He thinks the lipstick kiss I left on his bedroom mirror was for him, but I was just kissing my reflection.
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
No thanks, body wraps. If I believed magic would make me thinner, I’d eat a wizard.
*in a Chinese restaurant*
Who is the manager?
“No, Ji is the manager, Hu is the owner”
How should I know? You’re the one who works here
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
Next time you decide to complain about your problems, just remember, some guy out there has Snooki as his mom …
With the cost of concert tickets, you better not be asking the crowd to sing, I did not pay to hear a drunk girl sing my favorite song.
I wonder if the username “That Cab” is free, cause a lot of people would want to follow “That Cab”
Me *remembering my therapist said to be confident enough to answer questions* I’m under the table
Murderer: ok thanks
“Never eat raw cookie dough” sounds like a lie made up a long time ago by some guy that sold ovens for a living.
Just saw that french fries, sugar, and coffee speed up the aging process, so my age right now is 172.
*knocks on woman’s washroom*
Hello anyone in here?
*no one answers*
*runs in & lifts up every toilet seat*
HAHAHA
*runs away giggling*
*if I had the Infinity Gauntlet*
*in the kitchen, tappin’ to the music, snappin’ to the mu-
ope
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
Hamburgler: Success! Look at this amazing haul of these McDonald’s burgers!
Hamburgler’s Mum: *sobbing* Your brother is an architect.
Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
I’ll kiss a close talker just to teach them a lesson.
I didn’t come here to be called names
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Emperor: How are my elite troops doing on Endor?
Vader: They were all viciously murdered by teddy bears.
Emperor: That sounds plausible.
Tell people the nice things you noticed about them, you uncooked noodle
Failed Hallmark card:
I’m sorry I stabbed you with a fork when you leaned in to kiss me.I thought you were going to take my taco.
Just how much toothpaste is IN this tube? Let’s squeeze it all out and see!
– Toddlers
[camping]
Her: *pointing* What’s that?
Me: Decoy bacon sammich. For bears
H: *tuts*
M: We’re safe as long as it’s there
H: Right…
*later – cut to me eating the sammich*
*later still – cut to me being mauled by a grizzly*
M: I get no pleasure saying this, but told you so
Kid: I want pancakes.
Dad: Me too. Go wake up your mom.
Kid: Nice try. Do I look stupid to you?
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
“Would you rather be right or—“
YES
[first date at restaurant]
ME: so, do you like dogs?
HER: no, not really-
ME: [already at home watching Netflix petting my dog]