I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
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At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
I know it might seem cruel, but unless you’ve lived through the horror of a sheep infestation, you couldn’t possibly understand.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
host: hello and welcome to another episode of “terrible at social interactions”. let’s meet our first contestant that don’t talk so good, sam. tell us a little bit about yourself sam
sam: yeah and you as well
host:
sam:
host: killer job sammy boy
“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Cheese makes everything better…
*sprinkles parmesan on broken leg*
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Life is about experiences. First kisses. Books that change you. Self-medication. Dogs telling you to set things on fire.
*spits out mouthful of blood* it’s gonna take more than that to kill me
Dentist: for the love of God just floss
Don’t be afraid to start over. I’m now on my third body.
Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
Last night the Ghosts of Halloween Past, Present and Future visited me and all had the same message: Don’t eat 5 bags of Reese’s Pumpkins again this year.
fertility doctor: it’s almost like your sperm are avoiding the egg
stormtrooper: *sighs*
Think you’re smart? Try explaining daylight savings time to a kid.
You’re the water to my grease fire.
So when a cat pounces on a stranger’s lap and demands tickles it’s “cute” but when I do it I’m “causing trouble in Starbucks” again. Jeez!
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curly
Please don’t be curlyI pray to myself as I pull a hair from my mouth while eating Chinese food
Any room can be a room with a view if you are in it.
99% of my socks are single. You don’t see them crying about it.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????
By age 30, most men have found that one special hairstyle they want to spend the rest of their life with.
Americans: “Beans on toast? Gross.”
Also Americans:
Made a playlist for your weekend hike
Twitter went from everyone pushing each other on mood swings to pushing each other off cliffs really fast.
No matter what meal it is, always say you had “brunch” so people know how much better than them you are.