I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
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Cop: You appear intoxicated. Can you walk this line?
Me: No problem. Stay in the car Grandma
G-ma: Can he use my walker? He’s been drinking.
Chef: And then you just cover it with gravy and cheese
Me: Don’t stop, you’re poutine me in the mood
A heart-shaped pizza just means less pizza and that’s not a sacrifice I’m willing to make for love.
The good news is it wasn’t a bug. The bad news is I beat the crap out of a black bean on the floor with my shoe.
Me: i have a tummy ache so i been on the BRAT diet.
You: Bananas, rice, applesauce & toast?
Me *eating a bowl of bologna, rum, anchovies & tiramisu*: oh god dammit
H: I’m going to the store.
M: Why don’t you take my truck?
[3 hrs later]
H: Your truck was out of gas, the tires needed air and it needed an oil change.
M: You don’t say? Huh, weird. *sips wine*
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
My barber is the person that cuts my hair but also the person who thinks my haircut isn’t good enough to post on his social media.
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
In truth, spiders are harmless*
*Save for a few species whose venom reprograms your immune system to tell your body to eat its own organs.
ME: I’m so nervous. It’s my first day on the job. I definitely fibbed on my qualifications to get this job. Hope I can figure it out before I mess up.
CO-PILOT: …What?
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
My wife takes 13 bikinis for a 4-day beach trip. Meanwhile, I’m rocking the swimming trunks my mom bought at K-Mart in 1991.
Witness: I saw the defendant stabbing the victim.
Lawyer: Objection! Witness is ugly!
Judge: Sustained. Jury will disregard the statement.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
Why do you guys take your keys out just leave them in the ignition so you’ll never misplace them
Protip: Women do not consider puffer fish to be a cute pet name or compliment.
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
Me: It’s a dinosaur park…
Investor: Oh god yes, here is enough money to cover it going horrifically bad multiple times
Randomly screaming and moaning in agony is a great way to get a seat by yourself on a packed bus.
Happy with my life but also open to the possibility of a crow picking me up like a french fry and carrying me away
The little Tabasco bottle waits patiently as you flirt with artisanal overpriced hot sauces, confident that you’ll always come home.
When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
In my defense, I never said that I had “completed the project.” I said that I was “done working on it.” Two totally different things.
so no-one told you life was gonna be this way *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot* *gunshot*
I’d be a terrible surgeon because my hands shake, and also because I didn’t go to medical school of any kind.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
my daughter said “it’s cold, but it’s a beautiful day.” ppl w no bills are so positive.