I have the same toxic argument every Thanksgiving where I insist that Sopranos is the American Evangelion and my late 60s/early 70s uncle keep reiterating they haven’t watched any animes and don’t really have strong opinions on TV :/
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Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
Mountain Goat : )
“Click to read this man’s secret to incredible 6 pack abs!”
article: hard work, diet, & exercise
me: I have never felt more betrayed
Waiter: Would the kids like some crayons?
Me: Please, they’re starving.
I don’t always make up big words but when I do I make them completely uninformystical.
Prosecutor (showing slide): Is this your Yelp review history?
Me: Yes but
Prosecutor: 26 proctologists?
Me: What you have to understand is
Prosecutor: You described this one as “pleasantly judgmental”
*washing motorcycle with my shirt off
*cops show up
Cops: That guy told you to stay away from his motorcycle
[at a fire sale]
Me: one fire, please
Prayers for my husband, he married one of those “it’s my birthday month” people.
If the One Ring had been a kitten then Sauron would have spent the whole book trying to find his kitten, sending whole armies out to look for it, while the fellowships heroic quest involved throwing a kitten in a volcano. Makes you think
MAYBE PEACH JUST LIKES BOWSER A LOT AND WE’RE FOLLOWING A NARRATIVE OF MARIO THE DELUSIONAL HOMEWRECKER.
*cops pull me from operating room*
[on a plane]
Captain: I have bad news
Captain: the middle class is dying
Passengers: oh, that’s true
Captain: first class might survive
Captain: *tries to land the plane backwards*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
Depraved Masochist Enjoys Following The News
Christmas decorations should come with coupons for couples counseling.
As long as you don’t ever give them your real name they can’t accuse you of not keeping the mystery alive in your relationship
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
You left the milk out so I burnt all your clothes. Welcome to an adult relationship.
*me, getting murdered*
Wife: Could you at least let him take out the garbage first?
Her: You ate that entire bag of fried cheese snacks?
Him: Thought you said they were baked.
Her: I said YOU were baked.
[parent-teacher conference] *tries to quietly open a can of beer*
Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
Recipe: After adding oil to skillet, sweat onions.
My cooking anxiety: I got this!