When life gives you lemons. Squeeze them in people’s eyes.
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The Proclaimers: And I would walk 500 miles
Me: (realizing there’s no way I’m putting this much work into a relationship) You should pick them
Me: Well, would you look at that. This Oreo package isn’t resealable. Guess I better eat them all.
Husband: But the seal is right th….
Me: *talking loudly* NOT RESEALABLE!
Dear 16, Just between you and me, you CAN actually use too much Axe body spray. Love, Exasperated Mom
Robin Hood [hands over stolen fortune]: here you are, my poor friend
Friend: wow thanks. I’m rich!
Robin [narrows eyes]: you’re what
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
Ummm
It’s been a while since you last tweeted about how much you hate it when someone microwaves fish at work. Are you ok?
I took 3 advanced geometry classes at Penn State and still pick the wrong size lid for my coffee cup 70% of the time.
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
*malia passes me a joint* thanks obama
Welcome to the stomach
THIS HEADLINE
Today i started stalking guys. Not for any gay reason but it’s so much easier to do. Women always complain, guys don’t suspect a thing.
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
My wife is pretty excited about going away this weekend so I’m not sure she knows I’m coming with her.
Told my 11 y/o daughter I was going to chaperone on her field trip and she responded with “but are you going to wear makeup?”
Have kids they said…
Husband uses any old plate for family members.
Also husband uses the best plate for the cat.
I want those snacks that have 2 eyes and a scary mouth
-my 3 yo, describing pretzels
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
Welcome to middle age, where feeling a vibe is probably just a side effect of your pain meds.
Nurse: sorry for the wait
Mario: it’s ok, I’m a patient
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
🎶 Take me down to the cubicle city where the boss is mean and the pay is shitty 🎶
Wake me when AI does housework
I had to delete Facebook because I liked too many pictures of dogs yesterday and now the newsfeed algorithm thinks I care about those people
DAVID AYER: I wanna make a buddy cop movie
THEM: ok
DA: Will Smith is one of the cops
THEM: k
DA: The other cop is a shy, magical orc
THEM: no that’s crazy
EVERYONE AT NETFLIX: Hold my appletini
#BRIGHTMovie
*standing next to a wheelbarrow full of BBQ sauce*
Look, no one is arguing that the zoo fire isn’t a horrible tragedy.
Doctor: It doesn’t look good
Me: What? You haven’t even tested me for covid yet
Doctor: Judging by that outfit you’ve clearly lost your sense of taste
Have kids, they said