“What the hell happened to you?”
I got tarred by an angry mob.
“What about the feathers?”
I hugged some ducks to feel better after.
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Life would be so much simpler if you could just smack the stupid out of people instead having to reason with them.
[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
*Me making playground small talk with other parents*
“Congrats on the sex bro”
Detective: how were u able to do it?
Serial Killer: thanks to the flexibility of Uber. I was able to work my own hours and still murder
For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
{watching a horror movie}
SAGE YOUR HOUSE, IDIOT!
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
Oh ok learning the difference between doing one thing a day that scares you and one thing a day that scares your doctor
I would go to the gym during the Christmas holidays but I don’t really think that’s what Jesus would have wanted
The booster protects against what, now?
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My husband: Put on something hot and do a sexy dance for me, baby.
Me: *puts on Snuggie and does the worm*
Me at 16: No one can tell me what to do with my life.
Me at 36: Someone please tell me what to do with my life.
I spend 90% of my life trying to do the right thing and the other half wondering why I don’t understand Math.
I’m not poor. I’m big-loaned.
Billboards never give helpful advice like “hey you’re about to walk into work with your fly down”.
Son: I’m tired.
Dad: Hi Tired, I’m Dad.S:
D:S: You annoy me.
D: You annoy me.S: Oh, you’re copying me now?
D: Oh, you’re copying me now?S: Who is the parent here?
D: Who is the parent here?S: MOM! Come get your husband.
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
“Oh Shit, Was That Today?” an autobiography
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Sounds like a bargain
I WON’T STAND FOR THIS IDIOCY!
*sits*
Ok, proceed.
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
[applebees]
ME: where’s the bathroom
WAITER: lmao everywhere