For the last time, asking me if I want cheese is insulting. You could have said instead, much more meaningful things like ”Here. Cheese”
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me: [gets on one knee]
GF: [gasps]
me: [reaches into pocket]
GF: OMG
me: [pulls phone out] don’t move there’s a Pokemon on your foot
3 years ago today I signed up for Twitter. Since then, I’ve walked into 8 light poles, stepped on 5 cats and looked up from my phone twice.
Shot to the heart
And you’re to blame
You drink shots
With bad aim
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
Shhhh, I am tracking a package so I need you to remain very quiet so you don’t scare it away
Me: Wow this recumbent bike is pretty comfortable.
Trainer: Ok now start pedaling.
Me: What?
The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Ahh yes 2022, the 2021 of 2020
Tape a terrible drawing of a refrigerator onto your child.
If a child’s survival depended on my ability to share bacon, I would weep greasy, bacony tears at that child’s funeral.
Whenever you eat something that tastes awful you should always say “that’s disgusting” immediately followed by “here try it”.
The Rules
People who live in glass houses must have to clean up a lot of dead birds.
Cop: Why were you speeding?
Me: SHE’S IN LABOR!
Cop: That’s a beach ball in a wig.
Me:
Cop:
Me: I don’t think I’m the father.
Cop: Get out.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
me: absolute shit technique
murderer: [stops stabbing me] what?
Star Wars? Nope
Never had any interest in watching something that starred a woman whose hair made her look like one of my dad’s tractors.
You know what this healthy salad needs? Stale bread
– the inventor of croutons
how terrible do you think Maria von Trapp’s life had to be that she included “doorbells” on her list of favorite things
Makes 3 gallons of cranberry sauce so my family can eat 2 teaspoons each.
life: do your best
me: (doing my best)
life: no a different best
her: I can’t believe you’ve eaten all the Halloween candy
me: it’s not October 31 so it’s just candy
her: either way you’re not leaving the store until you’ve paid for it
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
Calling it Quarantine:
-boring
-sad
-lonely afCalling it house arrest:
-sounds like you do crimes
-you’re a bad boy now
-cool as heck
They say that 50 is the new 40, but these traffic police are having none of it.
“What race was the guy?” – a question you’ll never have to ask my uncle during a story.
Kudos to Backstreet boys, they really did straight up make a song that lasted almost 5 minutes about the fact that they were back.
My 5YO lost her first tooth and is very certain that the tooth fairy will give it to an old lady who really needs it
I can either cut my toe nails, or majestically swoop down and grab a salmon from a river.