Got a text from an unknown number that said “I’m on my way,” so I’m tweeting this from the closet.
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FRIEND WHO JUST GOT BIT BY A VERY VENOMOUS SPIDER: Hurry, the antidote!
ME: This reminds me of a time
FRIEND: No, not an anecdote! *Dies*
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
“the blood moon rises once again” [the dishes i washed yesterday respawn in my sink]
What do you mean my back has experienced trauma and needs time to recover? It hasn’t seen combat, I just bent over.
My kid asked what fornicate meant and I panicked and said it meant to hold political office
[ from bed ]
*accio coffee*
damnit it didn’t work again
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
[concert]
Security Guard: Ma’am, do you have alcohol in your bag?
Me: I don’t think so. Here, hold this flask while I check.
Last week I chopped my neighbour’s tree and now it’s growing back because his-tree repeats itself…
Mildred’s cat, Mildred, is missing.
On a related note, Mildred named her cat Mildred.
Which is probably why the cat left in the first place.
My 42 yr old friend is dating a 24 yo guy, she caught him cheating so she took away his play station for a week
I like to start my mornings w/ a luxurious deep tissue massage*
*kids climbing all over me until they puncture my spleen & I finally get up
Mom, can teenagers drink coffee?
-my 5yo, planning ahead
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
I got sent out of class today at school. The teacher yelled at me, “What would your parents say if I called them?’ I replied, “Hello?”
Donating blood gets complicated when it’s not yours. So many questions.
Prisoner:*strapped into chair* Flip the switch & fry me.
Guard: Oh, we’re not electrocuting you…
*college kid w/ acoustic guitar walks in*
I ended it after I checked his browser history and found hundreds of video game walk-throughs. Once a cheater, always a cheater.
“Its swimsuit season” i say, eating another swimsuit
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
Sleep is just something clowns made up so they can eat you.
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
My brother & I’ve competed for title of family black sheep for yrs.
He checked in at a strip-club…on FB.Well played brother, well played
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Flight Attendant: Is anyone on this plane a doctor
*Hands shoot up*
FA: …of love?
*I rise, resplendent in my leopard-print leisure suit*