This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
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Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.
A car hit me once, but it was okay because I’m autoimmune
Running down the street dragging an entire bank behind me because I stole one of those pens attached to the little silver chain
If I pick up two cinder blocks and walk into the cold, cold Atlantic while we are talking please don’t take it personally
How come those cross species adoption videos are always cats or dogs raising baby birds? Just once I’d like to see a hawk enthusiastically barfing into a kittens mouth.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Watermelon Boss!
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Therapist: And how do we respond when our horrible family member says something rude?
Me: You put the Ho in holidays
Therapist: No
Ignoring your kids has become so easy thanks to smart phones. My poor dad spent 18 years staring blankly into space pretending not to hear any question I ever asked, and I don’t know if I’d have that same level of commitment.
*my teenage sons being loud, laughing, making inappropriate jokes*
Me: SHHHH! The windows are open & the neighbors are outside!
Son: Well, I’m a little offended they haven’t laughed yet.
What kind of outfit says “I want you to let me stand in your group so I don’t look like a loser but I don’t want to talk to any of you”?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
I found out blowing in the dogs face makes her stop barking. I tried the same thing on my wife to make her stop yelling and she bit me.
I caught my son chewing on electrical cords.
So I had to ground him.
He’s doing better currently.
And conducting himself properly …
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
Die Hard (1988) A shoeless New Yorker murders a bunch of people at his wife’s office Christmas party.
HR: Once again – “Judy from the Internet said so” isn’t a valid excuse….
Me: But…
Yes, I have a fitness app. I use it to time how long it takes the pizza delivery guy to get here.
PROPHET DANIEL: Behold! the fourth beast had ten eyes and ten horns. Even the horns had eyes
KING BELSHAZZAR: do you even hear yourself Dan
[choking to death on a sushi roll]
CO-WORKER 1: John, your mute is on.
CO-WORKER 2: John? Can you hear me? Your Zoom’s muted.
CO-WORKER 1: John, you have to turn off your mute.
CO-WORKER 3: I don’t think he realizes he’s on mute.
never forget
“Please, take me out to dinner!”
“I don’t date married women, sorry.”
“I’m your wife!”
“No exceptions!”
Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
Went on a family scooter ride. 4y/o asked to be carried the entire 3 mile experience.
Return home from the ride. 4 says “It’s so nice out! We should go for a walk!”
Toddlers don’t GAF.
Good for you when one door closes & another door opens. For the rest of us that usually means we’re in jail.
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Any time a sentence starts with “This is America!” brace your ears for some next level ignorant shit.
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.