Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.

Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.

After watching “101 Dalmations” I hoped my dog’s barking was to help others, but I think she is just spreading gossip.

Oliver Twist: “Please sir, I want some more!?”

Manger: “Kid, you do realize this is a buffet?”

My 4 year old is handing me one grape to wash at a time so breakfast should be served around midnight.

Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.

Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.

According to the amount of bacon I just cooked. I’m 4 people.

JERRY SEINFELD: so what’s the *deal* with airplane food

ME (whispering to my date): it’s actually called “jetfuel”

If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people

I said it out loud and I can’t stop giggling lmao

the closest I’ve ever come to a threesome was when I was mowing the lawn and I got hit in the face by two dragonflies having sex in mid air

The first guy to stain glass was probably like, “oh no”

And then she accused me of oversharing. Can you believe that?

Drive thru cashier:

You know where I’d like to go?
Missing

Me: I’ll end up doing the laundry later or later.

Husband: Don’t you mean “I’ll do it sooner or later”?

Me: Aww thanks babe, I hate laundry.

Go home, Twitter. You’re drunk.

The key to losing weight is to eat like you’re in a video game — don’t bother with it 99% of the time until you’re about to die

can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way

Don’t be ashamed of who you are.
That’s your parents job.

[on a rollercoaster with my cat]
Me: Are you having fun, buddy?
Cat: *has already fallen out of the seat*

I found an extra $9 in the bank! Get dressed baby we’re going to Little Caeser’s!

At the rate I’m throwing shit out as I pack to move there’s a strong possibility not all the kids will make it to the new house

I was going to suggest a “moot” button for Twitter, but there doesn’t seem much point now.

*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*

I’m not convinced that Trader Joe’s is actually inspired by a trader named Joe, and isn’t about someone trading exclusively in guys named Joe

[First day of dropping kids off at school]

*Hugs and crying*

[2nd day]

“Get out!”

I don’t know I guess I always thought Spock would’ve had more ear hair sorry to get political

Plot twist-
Maury is the father.

“Sorry about your dress.”
“Sorry about the nudity.”
“Sorry I kept calling your wife sir.” –

Me, the day after the office Christmas party.