Just a friendly reminder folks.
Don’t forget to set back your rooster this weekend.
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I’m single in quarantine and just found a box of googly eyes. I’m going to place them on objects around the house because I miss social anxiety.
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
If I’m ever on life support, unplug me, let me sit for 15-30 secs, plug me back in and see if that works.
ME: alexa, make it quieter
*music gets way too quiet*
ME: alexa, make it louder
*music gets super loud*
ME: [sigh] alexa, make it quieter
ALEXA: which contact would you like to call?
ME: jesus christ
ALEXA: i couldn’t find jesus in your contacts
Absolute genius if you ask me 👌🤣
Lawyer: the evidence points to him as our prime suspect
Me [lips on the mic]: tell the evidence it’s not polite to point
I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
The bad news is, I accidentally took the wrong medications this morning
The good news: Guess who is now protected from fleas and heartworms for the next 3 months?
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
Fake nerd girl: I love Star Wars! I’m a big fan!
True fan: Oh yeah? Harass five cast members. I’ll wait
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
If you’re looking for some alone time away from your family, start telling them a story about a great deal you got on something you bought using coupons.
If you start to miss your family and want them to come back, get yourself a snack, open a book, or make a phone call.
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength
Going to church doesn’t necessarily make you a nice person… It does, however, make you sleepy.
A dating app for yoga enthusiasts called Get Bent
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
That time Alicia messaged me
being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
Me: The dog gives me more attention because he loves me the most.
Husband: No, it’s because you’re constantly dropping food on the floor.
If Minnie Driver married Bradley Cooper her name would be oh god I can’t even finish this one
The price of groceries has gotten me thinking about what acorns taste like.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
“Donatello choose ur weapon”
“I’ll take a stick”
“Really not a sword? Nunchu..”
“A STICK”
“Ha I guess u wanna wear purple too?”
“…”
“Ugh”