Highway to Hell is my favorite song about driving to work
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Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
*opens drawer* huh, I don’t remember this shirt being pink. OMG…did he…did he do laundry? *slowly opens 2nd drawer*
-Law & Order sound
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Women dressed head to toe in animal print just bumped into me, thought I was being attacked my an obese leopard.
Coming home from costume party dressed as a priest, and pulled over by Police.
Cop..You been drinking?
Me..Water.
Cop..I smell wine.
Me..Oh my God, He’s done it again!!!!!
When kids ask for a lollipop after a haircut it’s fine, but apparently when an adult asks for one after “doing a really good job sitting” it’s frowned upon. Unfair.
This Prius we rented is pretty sweet. It can go 0-60 in 6 hours.
Welcome to middle age. The hair on your head is fragile and falls out. The hair on your chin could reel in a shark.
One of my greatest fears is my alarm clock learning how to defend itself.
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.
you visit my house and within moments i offer you strawberry shortcake. you decline but i put an entire cake on the table and begin cutting it. you are confused. it takes me 45 minutes to eat the entire thing alone and we do not speak
God: you’re a jellyfish.
Jellyfish: nice.
God: you have no bones.
Jellyfish: ok.
God: and no brain.
Jellyfish: oh.
God: you’re like 95% water and 5% venom.
Jellyfish:
God: you’re H2OhNo lol.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
[Call from cell company]
We can give you 15 gigs for $100
Me: Excellent!
*Puts the band back together
2night’s funniest bit: a fellow comic enters the room &, given a choice between talking w/ me & w/ a homeless man, chooses the homeless man.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
My favorite thing about Twitter is that you can broadcast your opinion about anything, defend your opinion in an argument, and always run the risk of the person arguing with you being the one who literally created the thing you’re arguing about.
My kids are giving all the people on this plane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
I’M MAKING A SECOND POT OF COFFEE, IF ANYONE WANTS ME TO PAINT THEIR HOUSE.
9: What are you going to be for Halloween dad?
me: Drunk
9: What’s mom gonna be?
me: Mad
I saw a smart car pass a Jeep today. The Jeep was parked on the side of the road, but still.
Me: Son, how many times have I told you to stop playing with dolls?
Son: I’m trying to teach CPR. Please get out.
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If you think you could never kill a person you just haven’t met the right one
my future husband is probably fake laughing at his girlfriends Iame jokes rn. be patient king, a true clown is on the way.
Turns out, you can live vicariously through anything if you try hard enough. Right now I’m a pumpkin being launched 1,000 feet across a field by a catapult at a Punkin Chunkin festival. Weeeee!
My little girl buried a 25 cents and said she’s growing a money tree.
I laughed but secretly water it every day just in case..