the mother-in-law left yesterday.
this month has been the longest two years of my life.
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What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Fifth Third Bank? I don’t think you understand how to number things, which is something I generally look for in a bank.
SANTA IS WATCHING! Me, a Jewish mother, to her children in September.
I’d roll around in garbage with you. Not the garbage from the bathroom though, that’s gross, but the good stuff that comes from the kitchen.
I took a girlfriend to a fancy bakery for Valentine’s and she picked out a bunch of things that she then gave to her dad because she said sugary baked goods gave her yeast infections, so really I treated her dad to a really nice Valentine’s Day
butterfly in the sky, i can go twice as high?? You’re starting your song dissing a key pollinator? For what?
[texting]
you mean the wolf to me
-wolf?
ha! autocorrect fail!
-lol
what i meant to say was…you’re a mean wolf to me
Me: *drinks tea*
Villain: haha! I have poisoned your drink!
Me: *starts drinking faster*
Job interviewer: Where would you like to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
Dating Profile
Sex: Probably
Favorite Food: Yes
Favorite Movie: Star Wars
Favorite Book: LOLZ
My doctor’s office scheduled my appointment 6 months from now and asked me if that’s good.
I don’t know what I’m doing 2 hours from now, but sure.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I gave a yelp review once.
In my defense, it was my first bikini wax.
I changed my mind..🐕🐾🍪😅
John Hammond: *proudly* We spared no expense
Me: Your security team is literally one Australian dude in short shorts
No one ever prepares you for the moment you find out the song you really like is Justin Bieber.
I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
When did kale arrive? 2007? Must’ve come via spaceship. I had never heard of it in my life. And then suddenly, it was everywhere. It had hearty advocates; & it had many, many detractors. How does a thing, kale, go from not existing to being ubiquitous? Spaceships. Only answer.
Me: I’ll take a double cheeseburger, large fries and supersized coke…
Nurse: Sir, this is a colonoscopy
If I had the power to time travel, I’d use it to go back ten minutes when I screwed up a handshake and accidentally interlocked pinkies
When life handed Chuck Norris lemons, he made chocolate pudding.
Today, I got gas for $1.59/gallon…
Unfortunately, it was from Taco Bell.
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
All of you number neighbor people are going to get yourselves killed. Stop talking to strangers that could potentially live near you. You’re going to get murdered or make a friend. Both are terrible.
This kid is going places
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
The cool thing about having young kids is that they will straight up tell you which parent they love more without anyone even asking.
remember covid? good times *gets into nuclear bunker*
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”