Polite kitties have good etiquecat
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When it’s “buy one, get one free,” I have them put the free one in a separate bag so I don’t get them mixed up.
Why was a 9 year old allowed on a shooting range. In my school yoyo’s were banned after Jenny got a black eye doing an ‘Around the World’
The first one, obviously
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
Admit it, no one really knows how to use the memory function on a calculator. We’re all just too embarrassed to ask now.
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
Me: *pulls a glass push door*
Wife:
Me: *Leans back and pulls until the hinges begin to buckle and the glass shatters*
Wife:
Me: *stepping through the glass frame* weird door
Wife: *nods* weird door
my phone, crying: ..pleaSe… I have no space…. delete some photos… I’m begGing you….
me: *hits download*
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
I saw Mommy kissing Santa Claus.
Then I saw her arguing with him about money.
Now I see Santa drinking by himself.
Like Carrie at the prom but it’s just me after a spaghetti dinner and too much red wine.
I hate it when I take a picture of myself and see 20 years of bad eating habits and no exercise
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
it is time once again. all hail the thanksgiving tube
pope: love all
*everyone cheers*
*he serves a tennis ball right into the crowd*
pope: fifteen-love
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
[Thanksgiving dinner]
Wife: You’re always on your phone and never talk to me!Me: Oh
Wife: ok so what’s everyone else thankful for?
*Creating bees*
God: Make them highly beneficial to the ecosystem.
Angel: Sure thing, boss.
God: Give ’em the greatest knees of all time
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
Everybody please go potty because after we rob this bank we’re not gonna stop again for a while
Ever meet one of these people that makes everything a competition? I’ve met more.
I like to hang out with people way out of my league so no one catches feelings.
Biden: I took a Staples red button & wrote “Nukes” on it
Obama: Joe!
Biden: Tweets to him in Russian when pressed
Whoever named the moon did a horrible job, that thing controls our oceans they should’ve tried harder
Newsflash KIDS: The woman who paid for the fries gets to “steal” as many as she wants.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
I locked myself out of my office twice already today. I guess Mercury definitely in rubbermaid.