Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
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i only got hired to babysit one time and i let the kid drink from a puddle. well technically we both drank from the puddle
Gonna spend the day staring at the Sun. Eclipse practice.
Our elf has only been here two nights and hasn’t bothered to move from her spot. We’re having a performance review this evening and if she doesn’t get her shit together she’s getting fired just like that good for nothing tooth fairy did last summer.
“AUGHHGGUAUGGHGHGHGHGGGGH!!!!!!!!” – killer wail
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
#SaturdayVibes Never forget #BishopSycamore: The fake high school that tricked ESPN into airing their games. 😭🏈📺
“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them
One of my favourite places to find a giggle @funTweeters timeline ☺
As it turns out, “harder” is a horrible safe word.
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
i gotta stop wearing clothes that have recently washed up on shore
Me: what word would you use?
Interviewer: I’ve just never seen “higgledy-piggledy” on a resume before
Hey everybody, I just finished the 30 day yoga challenge and it was easier than I expected. In fact, I bet I could go another 30 days without doing yoga.
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
Received an email that my “services are no longer needed effective immediately” & “good luck on your future endeavors”. Frankly I think my wife should have told me in person.
If I’m ever feeling lost and alone, I know the second I shove way too much food in my mouth, people will miraculously pop out of nowhere.
99 bottles of beer on the wall?
Challenge accepted
[Picking up girls]
Me: you like bad boys, huh?
Girls: yea
Me to my wing man: tell them
Wing man: he’s just literally the worst
I put my pants on just like everyone else: while screaming obscenities at my pants butler
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
Once a toddler learns “why?” It’s all over
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
*Dino-Jesus preaching to the dinosaurs*
“Let he who is without sin cast the first stone.”
*Asteroid crushes Earth*
“Dammit Dad.”
Someone asked me what was my favorite moment of 2021, and without a doubt it was when I searched for my phone in the dark by using the flashlight on my phone.
how tf does a online class run out of seats when the seats not real 🤦🏾♂️
Cop: Stand on one leg
Me: *does it*
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards
Me: zyxwvutsrqponmlkjihgfedcba
Cop: Impressive. Walk this line while holding these ice trays filled with water and don’t spill anything
Me: *starts sweating*
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed