aliens are gonna be super confused when they show up threatening to overthrow our leaders and we’re all stoked and offer to help.
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[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
It’s always a good idea to make friends with babies. That’s free cake once a year for a lifetime.
My sports-obsessed ex-wife didn’t ask me for a divorce. She told me she was trading me for a player to be named later.
Me: Do we really have to share my dessert?
Her: Don’t worry, I eat like a bird.
*I reach for the thermostat*
*my dad runs in barking*
*neighbor’s dad starts barking*
*within seconds all the neighborhood dads are barking*
LIVING WITH A ROOMMATE
• difficult to find someone cool
• their friends might ask to stay overLETTING RATS TAKE OVER YOUR ENTIRE APARTMENT
• easy to find rats
• they will never complain about what you make for dinner
• people will NOT ask to stay over
*An elf cop pulls Frodo riding an ent over*
Elf Cop: Where ya going?
Frodo: To throw a ring into a volcano!
EC: Step out of the treehicle
Hamburger helps those who hamburger help themselves.
Intoxicated man causing disturbances attempts to hide from police…under a blanket
I give my stoner friends fruitcake for Christmas just so I can imagine them hating me a little while they can’t help eating it.
I usually spend my Sundays texting apologies but I’ve had an alcohol free weekend now I have nothing to do.
Prof asked if anyone liked comic books. I raised my hand. She didnt add anything or say why it mattered. Just wanted to isolate me socially.
I love seeing live bands. The dead ones just kind of lay there.
My superpower is scattering dogs by singing at them.
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
Tailor [furious]: You think you can just come in here and choose your own material and do your own measurements? Fine, SUIT YOURSELF!
5yo: “I can remember things really good. Do you remember things good too? You forget things sometimes.”
Me: “Not as good as I used to. I forget things as I get older.”
5yo: “Wow. You must be really old then.”
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Paralegal activity. #BoringHorrorMovies
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
I’m ashamed how many times Google’s had to correct my spelling. Yes Google, I meant Shih Tzu not shits zoo.
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
At the end of Ratatouille, the food critic, Anton Ego, ends up funding a small bistro for Remy to cook in.
The avg lifespan for a rat (ie THE HEAD CHEF) is 1.8 years.
This is an absolute shit investment.
my dad didn’t let me date untill i was pregnant…
I just referred to tongs as ‘food tweezers’ in case you want to be in awe of my command of the English language.
A hop and a tag…you’re it! 😂😜😺
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
Kid: Mom, the demon in my closet wants pizza or else it will kill us all
Me: The demon in your closet got pizza money?
I was in a triathlon once and I even led briefly during the registration portion