me: i am not a religious person i prefer to use science as my basis for belief
also me: potato chips taste different when you open the bag from the bottom
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it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
Photoshop is turning 25 years old this week. Actually, it’s 35 but just looks 25.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
My teen left her phone at home when she went to school so unfortunately she can’t text me if she needs anything. Fortunately she also can’t text me if she needs anything.
rumpelstiltskin: you must guess my name or surrender your first born
barista: *under breath* shit
I used to be able to throw a serious look in a selfie and come off like a sexy smolder and now I look like I’m patiently waiting to speak to your manager.
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
WebMD says I’m in good
shape so I’m not worried
about a thing.
Interviewer: It says here on your resume that you are an overachiever. Care to elaborate?
Me: I’m 35 but my body already feels like it’s 65.
Everyone: “You don’t watch Game of Thones?! Watch it immediately.”
After every episode: “That was HORRIBLE.”
Having to shovel is so rude. It’s like I have to clean up after the earth, too?
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
If Donald Trump becomes president, we could finally out-crazy North Korea.
When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
At some point all those Legos I’ve kicked down the vent instead of picking up over the years are going to be a major problem.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
I’m 35 so when I get drunk I just water my plants a little more recklessly than usual.
Did I say feelings? I meant uhhh sandwiches. I have sandwiches for you.
at my physical this week the male nurse was going through my history & asking if I still take xy&z meds and he goes “do you still take IUD?” I stared at him for a sec and said “it’s still…in me…yes.” he goes “oh it’s an implant, ok.” sir you are a NURSE 😭
Psychic: your mom asked me to take care of some unfinished business for her
Me: [holding back tears] did she have a message for me?
Psychic: *covertly shoving sex toys into a box* not really
Me: why are you on her laptop?
Psychic: *deletes browser history* she’s at peace now
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
toddler *banging his hammer on the coffee table*
me: What are you making?
toddler: Noise
When you’re feeling nice so you stop and get a couple dozen donuts for your crew. But then you gotta leave em in your car until the gravy sucking ingrate non reciprocating 1st shift crew goes home so your crew can actually eat them.
Accidentally touched my kid’s toothpaste tube, do I just get a new hand now or what?
My kid woke me up at 3AM to tell me there’s a monster in her bed and I just can’t wait to tell my wife what my kid called her.
[wife replies to text that I found a genie]
dont do a thing im almost home
[she pulls up and the car from the cars movie is in the driveway]
*Superman put glasses on Mt. Rushmore faces*
Lois Lane: “What the heck?? Who are those people up there?”