When society eventually breaks down and we are left to rebuild civilization, I hope there are people who still know how to make cheese.
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Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
“ooOOOooo”
“oooOOoo”
“oooOOoh”
“OoOOooh”–spirited debate
“Let’s walk over there” “ok” -couple a cows
My Sentiments Exactly
a crowd trying to stone me to death but i keep catching them in my pockets
┏┓
┃┃╱╲ in
┃╱╱╲╲ this
╱╱╭╮╲╲house
▔▏┗┛▕▔ we
╱▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔▔╲
wash our hands
╱╱┏┳┓╭╮┏┳┓ ╲╲
▔▏┗┻┛┃┃┗┻┛▕▔
I just reached in my purse for a pen and found a full 4 pack chicken nugget box from McDonalds.
So I get it, squirrels. I get it.
I’ve added lunges to my workout routine. It’s a big step forward.
I’m getting old. I wake up now and my body is like…
Bladder: better hurry up!
Back: woah, no sudden movements!
Foot: CRAMP!
Head: ouch, did we drink last night?
Neck: CRAMP!
Back: WHAT DID I SAY ABOUT SUDDEN MOVEMENTS!
Bladder: um, so I’ve got some news…
I don’t care how hardcore you are. If you don’t cry when Dumbo visits his mommy in elephant jail, you have no soul.
ME: I will now pull a rabbit out of my cat
MAGICIAN TEACHER: omg what have you done
If you have a plateful of generic fries they’ll only steal one, but you’ll wish they had taken them all
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”
The adult version of “head, shoulders, knees and toes” is “wallet, glasses, keys and phone.”
This wouldn’t be taking so long if they used the metric system for counting.
Explained how to make an April Fools Day joke to Miss 9.
“Mummy, you look pretty today.”
If you’re on the fence about becoming a parent.
Snail 1: Are you male or female?
Snail 2: Yes
Snail 1: Me too!
[they kiss passionately]
[Inventing the escalator]
Engineer: What if the stairs could eat you?
I had a crazy dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram. I was, like, 0mg!
Pretty majorly caught up in this whole Olympics thing.. ran up the stairs earlier.
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
I always say “no spoilers!”. Not because I plan to see the movie but because I don’t want to listen to you babble on about it.
A Roomba that moans when it picks up trash.
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
Why Are My Nails Dirty When I Live Inside and Watch TV?
-a memoir
publisher: how do you expect me to sell a book where you spend three chapters describing a doorknob?
jrr tolkien: it’s an important doorknob
A pronoun referring to a specific thing previously mentioned, known, or understood.
That.
me: how can I impress my date
friend: take her to your favorite food place
me: ok
[later]
her: that’s was really nicemy mom: you’re welcome
[hostage situation]
Any last words?
“Nah, I’m good.”
If you insist. *puts gun to head* Say you’re prayers.
“You are prayers. Lol.”