I want AI to anticipate what groceries I’m running low on, search every flier and website in my city to find the best price, and compile me a weekly list based on best deals per fewest stops. I do not want AI to make a picture of me if I were an astronaut.
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I’m in that fun part of a relationship where everything is new and exciting and we are learning things about each other and I don’t poop.
Parents. Top tip for getting to school on time. Go without them.
Plastic bags are polluting our oceans so I always return mine to the forest
Whatever I was born in like 10 mangers
Relationships are easy as pie!
*burns pie*
My dog after a walk in the woods.
4: I’m gonna hide this in a secret spot!!
*2 min later*: MOM! COME SEE MY SECRET SPOT!
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
We need to overthrow that Tyrannosaurus Rex and democratically elect a Presidentosaurus Rex
Waiter: “I’m afraid your credit card has been declined.”
Me: “Try this one.”
W: “This is a blood donor card.”
M: “Take as much as you need.”
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
me: they’re all so cute but i don’t know if i can take one away from its mother and siblings
pumpkin patch employee: ok
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
I just ate some leftover mashed potatoes out of my hair, and I don’t even remember having mashed potatoes
I hate saying “I told you so” so I’m just going to spray-paint it on your car.
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
If cops used t-shirt guns instead of handguns they wouldn’t even need to tell criminals to put their hands up.
It’s weird when one person from your college friend group gets rich but you’ve all stayed in touch & their Facebook posts are like “I have always loved Pearl Jam & it was magical to see them perform on my back patio for my birthday!!!”
You can’t name your dog Jeff, that’s illegal
Well, time to go to bed & remember that I started and abandoned a huge organizing project that involved putting a bunch of stuff on the bed.
probably not good that i sounded like chewbacca while standing up huh.
*gf making spaghetti*
Me: can I get a side of garlic clove with my garlic bread?
Gf: that’s it. You’re not gettin’ any tonight!
Me: sex or clove?? Please say sex, I really need that clove..
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
*steals someone’s soul*
*steals someone’s mate**Creates a soulmate*
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary