[3 guys corner me in an alley]
3G: Bet you’re scared
Me: *shows them my wife’s credit card bills*
3G: *hand over their wallets* holy shit
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Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
With less than 1 day to go..
Mummy, I want everything that is art in the whole world for Christmas. Ok?
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
They say you are what you eat but what happens if you didn’t mean to eat it. I don’t want to be a bug.
just watched a movie where the guy has Alzheimer’s and it was randomly jumping and repeating scenes and I was like, well duh, cause he has Alzheimer’s. it’s just an artistic thing by the director. It was not. The chrome cast is just broken and I sat through almost two hours of it
The Hulk just texted me a picture of a zucchini, I think?
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
Me: *Holding a fist full of lit sparklers* How much for the aggressive incense?
My father used to locate and deactivate land mines for a living. I wish to follow in his footsteps. His EXACT footsteps.
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
We’ve all been there…
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
So what does everyone do with their dryer lint
They said if gay marriage became legal, people would start marrying dogs and cats, but I guess that was just another bs political promise.
[at 25yr class reunion]
Me: You haven’t changed at all!
Her: Hahaha, thanks
Me: *leans in* That wasn’t a compliment, Diane
Went to a public park and my 4yo was like, “Is this Disney World?!”
The answer is yes and I’ll cut anyone who tells her differently.
SCIENTIST: dont be stressed! some rocks becom diamonds under extreme pressure
ME: wat about the other rocks
SCIENTIST: oh they turn to dust
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I’m just a girl reading the news in KYIV like “Kentucky four.”
I miss bars. I miss ordering a nice drink and having multiple people ask me if I’m a model. Then more people ask me if I’m a model. Everyone at the bar would start yelling “are you a model?!”until I’d have to stand on the bar and make a formal announcement that I am NOT a model
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
When I was 6 my uncle caught a moth in his mouth, walked outside, opened up and the moth flew away into the night. I think about this a lot
One time I got so nervous when a guy took off his pants in front of me I said “friggity diggity” please do not rt
how to lose 20lb
step 1: gain 40lb
Help me practice my knife throwing skills.
You catch.
Me ignoring red flags and clinging to toxic relationships because I’m a silly goose
[Heart: Tell her her eyes are windows into eternity, filled with fire…
Brain: Beacons, stars in a vast darkness]
Mouth: HEY GREAT EYEBALLS
Friend: Good for you for working out.
Me: I said I done squat today.
Before I got married people told me how hard the first few years are but not ONE person prepared me for him saying “I love you, no I love you more” over and over again to the dog every day when he leaves for work.