All archaeology proves is that our ancestors were skeletons and they lived underground.
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COVID-1: can only speak in rhymes
COVID-2: forgets the color blue is real
COVID-3: lycanthropy
COVID-4: cries snake venom tears
COVID-5: [REDACTED]
COVID-10: clown absorption
COVID-11: Mothman Syndrome
COVID-12 thru COVID-18: advanced lycanthropy
COVID-19: current crisis
Drove to my parents house to exchange ham and coconut cake from 6 feet apart. It was like a weird ham and coconut cake drug deal.
If a duckling is a baby duck, I don’t want to eat dumplings.
Pirates that used X to mark the spot were stupid. If they had used a G, nobody would ever have found their treasure.
My mother wanted grandchildren, so I changed the ring on her phone to the ice cream truck song so she can attract one.
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn’t you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that’s just—it’s like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even…I damned so much stuff!
My wife does this cute thing. She sets her alarm clock an hour before she has to get up and then hits snooze 27 times. It’s so adorable.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Shit. Gotta huge job interview tomorrow and I have no clue where I put my prom dress
“Where is your god now?” I like to shout at children with paper cuts.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Her: do we have an LED lightbulb
Me: you don’t have to spell it the kids are asleep
[coming out of coma]
Doc: You survived the heart attack
Me: I’m going to eat right & get fit
D: *shows me hospital bill*
M: *pulls plug*
wife: I know it’s hard, but crying and throwing things isn’t going to make it easier
son: What’s wrong with dad?
wife: He’s trying to figure out your math homework
Just saw a woman, covered in red paint, running and screaming from an abandoned country house, LOL good prank.
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
flight attendant: this man is dying! is there a doctor on board?!
her: i’m a doctor
my mom: [to me] that could’ve been you
me: ma, being an IT professional is a perfectly fine caree-
my mom: i’m not talking about the doctor
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
Social media’s ruined everything. If I saw a dead body on my walk home my first thought would be to take a pic and caption it “Mood”
My wife just opened my car door for me.
Would have been a nice gesture had we not been going 70mph.
Updating my resume. Anyone got a more professional word for “dumpster fire?”
🤔🔥📝
More “kills” on Tinder than any man in the history of online dating, Bradley Cooper is…. American Swiper.
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Good Witch: I present you with some magical ruby slippers!
Dorothy: Oh wow, what do they do?
Good Witch: If you click the heels they will send you to Kansas.
Dorothy: …What else you got?
A lot of people don’t know this but if your child is screaming at the top of their lungs inside a department store, you can leave.
Toddler, sleepily: “A lot of people live in our house.”
Me: “Momma, Matty, and me. That’s all.”
Toddler, pointing behind me: “And them too.”
I turn to see an empty hallway. I’m 99% certain it was an empty hallway.
gonna start calling my years long dry spell ‘sexual discipline’ so I don’t sound so pathetic
Therapist: Are you a man or a mouse?
Mickey: Quite frankly, I was hoping you could tell me.