Just your annual reminder about this seagull that turned orange after it fell into a container of chicken tikka masala while trying to get a piece of meat from a factory bin. #SpiceGull
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I hate when I’m pooping alone in the house and I hear a noise.. please don’t kill me while i’m pooping..
Sometimes I toast to world peace, but secretly, I just want restaurants to stop serving frozen butter with bread
The clean up after sex is definitely no small task but the confetti cannons and balloon drop make it all worth it.
Bought a cat collar with a bell on it, and now I can’t sneak up on the cat to put it on her.
I’m trying to pretend these kids aren’t mine, but it’s so hard when they are sitting at the same table as me in this restaurant.
*Guy is rushed in on a stretcher*
DR: what happened
EMT: we found him passed out & seizing during a shrek marathon
DR: WE’VE GOT AN OGREDOSE
Hitman: *rummaging through my house looking for me*
Me, studied abroad:
Hitman: This reminds me of when I was in Barcelona
Me, studied abroad: ACTUALLY I STUDIED ABROAD IN BARTH-
The easiest way to woo a girl is show up to her door with a loaf of garlic bread
It’s like these people at the liquor store have never seen somebody pay with this much change
Talking to my sleepy 9 year old and as a joke offered her some of my coffee. She said, “I can’t drink coffee, I’m not an old person yet,” and now I hate everything.
Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
If you’re a software developer, are you code-dependent…
[leaving birthday party]
wife: Drive safe, we have precious cargo *smiles at kids*
me *looking at the piece of cake in my lap* I know
My doctor says I’m almost legally obese, but my mom says I’m very handsome. Just kidding my mom thinks I’m an idiot.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Yep.
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
Some parents are blessed with amazing kids and others have kids that decide to learn the trumpet.
Manager: If you continue to solicit your “magical services” to any more customers, I’ll be contacting the police. Do I make myself clear?
Me, lowering voice: You’re still pretty visible but I do know a guy
On the box it said “do not put your tongue on battery.” I would never put my tongue on a battery.
Although. I kinda want to now.
God: ok u can make one human that’s it
Satan: how do u feel about toupees & the name Donald
THERAPIST: Whatever you say will stay inside these 4 walls
ME: A ghost
THERAPIST: What?! Why [looks round, scared] why would you do that?!
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
ME: someone stole my credit card number
BANK: why would they spend $187 at a hot dog stand?
ME: [hangs head in shame] that wasn’t them
I peed in an ocean, but I’m not going to tell you which one – you’re going to have to take your chances.
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.
I call my phone Lois because it doesn’t recognize me without my glasses
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.