the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
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There was a man hunched over by a trash can and I heard sniffling and thought he was crying so I said “hey man are you alright” and he turned around and he was doing lines off a book. Pretty sure he’s doing alright.
I 100% subscribe to this philosophy
There’s a boring horse who lives next door to me.
He’s my neigh bore.*Ba dum tishhhh!!!!*
Want to stop getting invited to parties? Be a nonchalant double dipper.
It’s that simple.
kid: i need pencils for school
me: what kind
kid: number 2
[later at the store]
me: do you have any shit pencils
[at movie theatre]
Wife: Shhhhhhhhhhh
Son: …
Daughter: …
Me (whispers): …it
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
When you’re Kinky but poor
Person: Raise your glasses!
Me: Hahaha! *raises bottle*
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
Superman: Cool underwater lair. Can I use the bathroom?
Aquaman: The what?
My husband hates pickles so much he put consuming them in front of him as a dillbreaker in our pre-nup
When I visit my family’s houses and use their wifi I usually get suggested ads with what they’re buying me for Xmas
someone tried formatting these windows in a Word doc
My husband better stop watching me back the car out of the driveway or I’ll hit the mailbox on purpose this time.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC
“I bet you’re beautiful on the inside.”—a sensitive guy
“I bet your insides are beautiful.”—a serial killer
My cat is bilingual. He ignores me in both English and Spanish.
The downside of studying law: you think a lawsuit is the solution to all problems. *resists from threatening Dominos for not giving oregano*
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
Fun fact: The average Canadian swallows eight moose per year in their sleep.
Cauliflower’s mom: you can be anything you want baby
Broccoli’s mom: [arranging marriage with cheese] this is all you get, sweetheart
You can’t change your past but you can change your pasta.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
No, they’re not called hedge funds because hedgehogs control the global economy. What a silly idea. 🙂
*later to thugs* They know too much.
Girl i dated had an outside cat who really liked me & one day when i went out for a smoke there was a bird heart placed on the wall where i usually sat. Cat was scoping me to see if i liked my gift so i did that move where you pretend to eat it so she didnt think i was ungrateful
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.