“I wouldn’t worry if I were you” – Translation: I’m not worried because I’m not you
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If you hit a person with a Tesla
will you be charged for battery?#OneLinersDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Whenever I slide down a brontosaurus right into my car, I can’t help but be reminded of the Flintstones intro
Toothpaste sure knows how to ruin whatever you’re drinking.
“Alexa, negotiate brexit.”
Donald Trump is probably the closest we’ll ever get to electing Eric Cartman president.
Taxi driver: Where to?
Me: Inbetween one and three.
Taxi driver: Get out.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Our family has a tradition of opening presents on live video so the kids can be disappointed in real time.
My uber driver hasnt said a word to me. He is a gift from god.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
My 4 year old just said, “if you give me gold fish this will be a lot easier for you”
Don’t you want this to be easier for you?
-Gangster – level 3
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
i did the math
Nobody:
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Adding the word “farmhouse” to a table or piece of furniture allows you to charge $1000 for it.
date: do you like a little danger?
me: sure do. danger’s my middle name… unfortunately my first name’s stranger. and your mother probably warned you about me
I just coughed so loud the neighbors set their house on fire and drove away.
I dislike frozen dinners that require me to tear & fold & make sure this side is here or there & build a sacrificial platform to appease an ancient sun god or whatever to heat my food.
I just apologized profusely to a spider as I was killing it. The spider is also Canadian so it said “oh yeah no for sure, it’s ok.”
3: when I’m 5 I’ll do all the cleaning and cooking on the weekend so you and daddy can stay in bed
Me: *hands her pen to sign legally binding contract*
Me: if I told you that you have a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?
Funeral Director: Please leave sir
I enjoy long walks in the woods, but only because there’s a chance I’ll get eaten by a bear.
There was romance over dinner last night.
Me to my husband: If we weren’t married, I’d marry you based on these potatoes.
*walks up to Michael Cohen’s door*
“Knock knock.”
“Who’s there?”
“Says.”
“Says who?”
“THE POLLS. ALL OF THEM.”
[Pet Store]
Clerk: Ma’am what can I help you with today?
Me: hi I’d like to buy this line
C: You mean snake?
M: Yes your largest worm please
Need expensive surgery? Tell a surgeon you’re auditioning a few before picking one. Have them do the surgery then say “OK I’ll let you know”
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
The absolute effort that went into this omg
If you get a big enough mask, no one can tell if you’re asleep at your desk