I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
You Might Also Like
Person in murder documentary: This is a small town. Things like this don’t happen here.
Me: Um, based on the shows I watch, that’s ALL that happens in small towns.
[Opens a beer at the park]
“Dude. There’s kids here.”
Oh shit how rude of me. [turns] IF YOU KIDS WANT SOME BEERS THEYRE IN THE COOLER
Applying for jobs sometimes is wild like how am i supposed to be passionate about a company I don’t even work for yet?
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[first day as a crime scene photographer]
me: pretty weak lighting in here
*drags the corpse outside*
During childbirth the pain is so great that a woman almost knows what it’s like for a man to have the flu.
wanna bet Tom Hanks is kinda bitter about how easily Moana got over that break in the waves.
God I hate condescending assholes!
(Condescending is like when smart people talk down to you to try and make you feel stupid)
[kidnapped & trapped in trunk]
*hot wires rear blinker lights to communicate with other cars via Morse code*
“I…am…a…vegan”
If you see a woman holding Fifty Shades of Grey, smile and say “congratulations on your first book!”
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
choosing between self-checkout and cashier is such a battle for me. there’s either a 100% chance i have to interact with a human or a 20% chance i have to interact with a human to explain why i am too dumb
Jewelry make the perfect gifts because if things don’t work out, she can throw them away and make you suffer. Take Titanic for example.
In other news, I found my car keys in the air fryer.
TOP 10 ANIMAL OPPOSITES
pencilguin
richcupine
legadillo
cantgaroo
dogerpillar
noneigator
stoprilla
goodger
tellthetruthon
uncleeater
Buzzfeed will be the death of journalism intellect.
Sally: I Love You Mommy!
Me: Melts into a puddle.
Sally(5 minutes later to her breakfast): I Love You Waffles.
Me: Oh. ☹️
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
English is kinda weird but I’m so glad it isn’t a gendered language. It is none of my business what gender bread identifies as.
I slip the nun 30 bucks and real quiet-like ask to see the “strong orphans.”
Comcast: “Would you like to upgrade your Internet service to include cable?”
Me: “No thanks, the illegal downloading has that base covered.”
T Mobile confirming my account via text when I have no service will not be lost on me.
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
ME: So did you go to a Hivey League school lol?
MY ALLERGIST: Get out.
God: you’re a penguin.
Penguin: actually I’m a spy.
God: uh no you aren’t.
Penguin: then why am I wearing this tux?
God: that’s just what you look like.
Penguin: that’s exactly what a spy would say.
God:
Penguin: isn’t that right…00Heaven.
I just found a Macklemore CD in a Thrift Shop and the Universe imploded.
A survey shows that 20% of men kiss their wife goodbye when they leave the house and 80% kiss their house goodbye when they leave the wife..
4pm
Me: How was school today?
Kid: …6pm
Me: Do anything fun today?
Kid: …Bedtime
Me: Goodnight!
Kid: Guess what happened at school?
Kangaroo: SOMEONE TOOK MY BABY
911: try to remain calm
Kangaroo: PLEASE FIND MY…wait..
911: was it in your-
Kangaroo: it was in my pocket
Stopped on the highway.
Officer: Any drugs? Alcohol?
Me: No thanks, I got everything.