Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

[job interview]

HR: *reading medical history* it says here you’re a former addict?
Me: *snorting lines off the desk* typo

Give a man an axe and he’ll kill a person. Teach a man how to incorrectly spray on Axe and he’ll kill everyone in a 30-ft radius.

5-year-old thought it was living room and dying room as opposed to living room and dining room. No wonder meal times have been so stressful.

I could make a sandwich before a British person finishes saying “et cetera.”

That moment when you mom says she was a virgin, but then 3 random dudes show up on your birthday with gifts.

“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”

If you think January has been a big month for marches, you’re gonna lose your mind when you hear what the 3rd month of the year is called.

[walks up to firefighters trying to put out a fire]
it’s alright guys i got this one.
*whips out a flamethrower*
TIME TO FIGHT FIRE WITH FI-

If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.

Me: Better late than never!
Wife: …
M: Seeing red?
W: …
M: Go with the flow!
W: …
M: I’ll go buy tampons.
W: NOW, MISTER FUNNY MAN.

If you don’t have a crazy neighbor, you are the crazy neighbor.

I said to my 5yo that I thought he was going to help mommy with the shopping and he said “well that would be nice but I don’t really want to” so there’s proof that honesty isn’t always the best policy

Accidentally played dad instead of dead when I encountered a bear and now it can ride a bike without training wheels.

*hires sky writer to propose to psychic girlfriend*
WILL YOU MARRY ME
*2nd planes flies by 5 seconds later*
HELL NO

Me: I blocked my own alt account earlier

My therapist: *on phone* Honey, it’s him again…I’m gonna be home late

Give a man a fish & he’ll eat for a day. give a fish a man & you appease the Fish-lord who’s terrorized coastal communities.But at what cost

Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.

Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???

we need to take away the covid variant naming rights from the nerds trying to make it sound cool

Lmfao

[social gathering]

guy: wow, you work in an ER?

me: yep

guy: [whispering] so, uh, what’s the craziest thing you’ve seen in the ER?

me: [whispering back] a dermatologist with a zit

Jellyfish 1: i’m so lonely

Jellyfish 2: you should try dating

Jellyfish 1: idk maybe

Jellyfish 2: *motions to cute girl* i think she’s flirting with you

Jellyfish 1: *enamoured* who is she?

Plastic bag:

Potato chips bragging about having less fat – I don’t think you understand people who eat you.

Why is it called “Alien vs Predator”? Isn’t predator an alien too? They should’ve just called it “Some Aliens”

So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.

Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.

Y’all ever rage clean your kids’ toys so hard that whoever goes to Goodwill next week is going to hit the Jackpot?

Back in college, I used to hang a sock on the doorknob when I wanted to signal my roommate that I had no idea how to fold laundry.

*flips bird*

*buys another bird with the profits*

keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.