I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
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once again thinking about how i would like a piece of the fbi cake from the silence of the lambs
I’m so committed to pizza that I’ve stopped wearing a condom when I eat it.
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
I played monopoly with 10 and I told him he wasted all his money on 3 properties for hotels no one would probably land on.
Then I landed on it and he bankrupted me. Too bad he’s gotta sleep outside tonight.
Please sign my online petition to get Netflix to change “are you still watching” to “looking good nice pajamas”
[Xmas morning]
wife: Honey, is this a dolphin? We agreed no dolphins.
“dolphin-shaped gift flopping wildly under tree*
me: JUST OPEN IT
If Twitter allowed us to attach a signature to each Tweet, mine would be : “He said, stupidly.”
[Calling doctor’s office]
Lady: When is your child’s birthday?
Me: *panic* click
Have we established if Joe has a legitimate medical condition with this “cotton eye”?Are we dancing our asses off to diseases,like assholes?
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
I could’ve been a doctor. OK, so I don’t have the intelligence or the people skills, but I nailed the shitty handwriting.
*first day in prison
*walks up to biggest guy
*asks for WiFi password
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Turns out there’s quite a bit of noise, when entire generations of people learn that the best and only way to send a message is via tantrum.
I bet once Bigfoot tries cheeseburgers he’s gonna wanna hangout with us all the time.
Every time someone tries to fight with me on Twitter a middle finger gets its wings.
”Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
“Can’t touch this.”
–MC Hammer giving a Museum tour
Nature show: pythons can grow over 20 feet
Me: they’re gonna need so many shoes
[Sesame Street casting]
Exec: ok, what kid role models do we have
A grouch, cookie addict, and 2 jobless roommates
Exec: Nice, let’s roll
I just found panties with pockets and we may be overcorrecting.
You can wonder about other people’s motivations or you can hit yourself in the head with a hammer, and the end result is roughly the same.
January is the ex boyfriend you shouldn’t drunk text at two a.m.
Relationship Status:
Got put in the friend zone by a succubus playing around on a Ouija board.
I can’t even get lucky in the spirit world.
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
“I’m not falling for that again” I say as I’m about to fall for whatever that is, again
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”