I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
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Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
I feel like palindrome should be spelled palindromemordnilap
Me: my wife says I never pay attention
Wife: I said alimony, but add attention to the list
The joke is on this spin class instructor.
My water bottle is full of Bacon Bits.
To the thief who stole my self-cloning machine, how can you live with yourself??
*primitive gungans defeat battle droids*
*Stone Age ewoks beat elite stormtroopers*
*improbable underdog story defeats logic and reason*
*holds out bucket of fried chicken to passing marathon runners*
I may be unhinged now but at one point I was “a pleasure to have in class”
[visiting America]
Me: Popeye’s? He’s that spinach eating health nut isn’t he?
America: sure is
Me: oh hell yeah, finally a salad for lunch
America: lmao nope
If a woman wears a hair tie around her wrist you can be sure she is always ready for something, like maybe a brisk jog away from men who misinterpret meaningless gestures as every woman wants to be viewed sexually.
I love when kids are like “Ah ya gaba boo ma beeba” and their parents are like, “yes that’s right liam we DID have so much fun in New Hampshire last Fourth of July!”
me: THAT’S IT YOU’RE GROUNDED
son: [shrugs]
me: U LOSE UR PHONE
son: ok
me: AND UR COMPUTER
son: whatever
me: AND…AND…
son: [smirks]
me: NO GRAVITY FOR A WEEK
son: wait, no- [smacks into ceiling]
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
This is up on a telephone pole in south Minneapolis and I am dissolved in laughter:
At my age, if the wife wants to have fun, scrabble is coming out.
A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
People talk about the environment like the Earth’s in danger. Don’t worry about Earth. Earth was a ball of magma once. Worry about us.
Burritos are what happens when your food hugs itself.
My ex used to cook & set off the fire alarm every morning while I was asleep. He refused to cook at other times & said it was his “routine.” My new boyfriend is a large dragon that cooks entire villages in one breath & lets me sleep. Don’t give up. There is someone for everyone.
There are two types of people in this world: those that eat handfuls of grated cheese straight out the bag and those that pretend they don’t
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
I say when we bury people we tie their shoes together. If there is a zombie apocalypse, at least it will be goddamn hilarious…
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
Forgot the word tree so I just said bush on a stick
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
decorating my apartment
Me refusing to admit that my favourite shirt is a bit too tight now
I’ve not watched The Traitors and to be honest it’s not as good as not watching Love Island
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one