Wife: Don’t leave knives out near the kitchen door. What if a burglar broke in and used it?
Me *patiently explains why this is ridiculous*[later]
Me *being stabbed to death by burglar using our kitchen knife* “please dont! Use something else! Anything else!”
You Might Also Like
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
One a scale of 1-10 how much do you care what other people think of you?
Me: (who hasn’t eaten a packet of crisps at work for 2 years because im scared it will be too noisy and people will look at me) I dunno, probably like a 5?
Come closer…..and let me just rest this pillow on your face.
idk how to explain it but this cat Iook british 😭😭
Keep your friends close and a bag of chips closer.
[dinner at fergie’s house]
fergie: what do you think of the food i made?
me: it’s ok
fergie: just ok? any other word you’d use to describe it?
I never see trophy hunters posing with like, dead mosquitoes. are you trying to impress me or not
Me after a regular weekend: Back to the grind
Me after a 3-day weekend: How now shall I labor when I’ve grown accustomed to my rightful place among the leisure class
my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.
The walk of shame:
When you toss a paper ball in trash, miss, then have to go get it.
What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
Me: One day I took my friend-
Him: Wait, you have a friend?
Me: Yes
Him: Wow, ok, go on
Me: So I took my friend to the vet for her shots and
Our daughter woke us up at 3am to tell us a ghost was tapping on her from under her bed. Obviously, she was having a dream but we’re going to sell the house just in case.
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
Twitter should disable deleting tweets and add a regret button instead.
I could see how 2 deaf guys arguing would appear to be gang related.
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
[solicitor reading my will]
“He [takes off glasses & pinches bridge of nose],
He wants to donate his arm to the drummer from Def Leppard”.
[first day working at a movie theater]
guy: can I get one large popcorn
me: no but I can give you like a million regular popcorns
OEDIPUS: hi do u have any anniversary/Mother’s Day cards?
CARD STORE CLERK: dude wtf
I used to work with a guy who was unemployed.
When you didn’t plan your story very well.
[300 consecutive hours sitting at the same table]
waiter: [out of breath] and those are our local craft brews
All those Tarot cards and not one person at Burning Man saw this coming.
[taking out my Diva Cup]
Dracula: you gonna drink that?
Me: I’ve reached the point of no return.
Librarian: Nice try, pal.
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Quite possibly the best sign I have seen before the day ends 😂
FRIEND: *miming finger guns*
ME: *miming getting shot, crawling to safety, using crude implements and whiskey to perform self-surgery, successfully removing the bullet, passing out*
FRIEND: I forgot you do that
Whoever named the axolotl was awesome and probably high af