my friend told me he couldn’t hang out because he ate a handful of fruit snacks and I was like “um ok glucose queen go off” and then he was like “my mom was visiting and she combined my THC gummies and my melatonin gummies with my fruit snacks and I don’t know what I just ate”
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microdosing lsd to gain a creative advantage at my job as a subway sandwich artist
Sent my ex a card that said, “Get better soon.”
He’s not ill, just really crap in bed.
psa: don’t ruin the thanksgiving meal by bringing up politics. ruin the meal by telling your family you don’t know half of them half as well as you should like and like less than half of them half as well as they deserve then vanishing while they try to figure out what you meant
My wife puts her pants on just like everyone else, but when she gets one leg in I push her over while she’s off balance.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS
Gentle reminder that you forgot to lock your door and I am in your living room
The hardest part about going through a divorce is finding a hitman you can trust.
Introverts hate small talk. They LOVE tickle fights but they’re shy. They want you to start
Me: I’m copying & pasting some text & clicking “keep formatting.” no need to change the case
Word: sweet, I’ll change the font
Me: no no keep the font
Word: ok I’ll just change the size
Me: please keep the size the same
Word: u want a different colour u cheeky lil shit lol
The proper way to handle accidentally walking in on your coworker in the bathroom is to wait till they’re out and then let them see you using the eye wash station
And that’s when I stopped telling the first half of my stories
Jesus Christ this website is exhausting I just want free healthcare and a president who doesn’t look directly at eclipses
I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity
14 takes out the trash and recycling without being asked
Me:
[cats] think i’ll go to another part of the house and scream at god
He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
4: I’M GONNA RIP YOUR EYEBALLS OUT
Me: Stop yelling violent things
4: *whispers* I’m gonna rip your eyeballs out
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
Me looking for the right song so I can carry on cleaning
I had a dream I was making out with someone with really bad breath.
Judging by the look on my dog’s face, I’d say we had the same dream.
My fiancee knows that I would kill for her, and it’s really annoying that she hasn’t asked me to yet.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
*cuts up plastic rings so no hypothetical animal will choke on them*
*will not hold the elevator for a single person, ever*
A confessional booth but the pastor just complains to you about the last guy.
son: what’s that one?
me: the orion constellation
son: and that one?
me: that’s the big dipper
son: and what’s that?
me: that’s my 3 star review, immortalized in the sky to forever remind god of his mistakes
It takes a big man to admit when he’s got a problem, but it takes an even bigger man to help me bring all these beers in from the car.
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*tries to pick up with toes*
*drops keys*
*hours pass*
My daughter just reached for the fridge and I yelled, “DON’T OPEN THE FRIDGE!”
She dropped her hand real fast and was like, “why!? What’s wrong!?”
I said, “what if there’s a salad dressing!?”
She hates me now