He died in the bath trying to make a YouTube video entitled ‘Aqua-Toast’.
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A good way to mess with a jogger is to run up along side them and say “I think we lost them.”
EARTH: with your vast wealth you could stop poverty 90 times over
ELON MUSK: [daydreaming] I’m going to put ice cream trucks on the moon
Restaurant Customer: clarified butter please
Waiter: (points to butter) THIS IS BUTTER
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
onna these days onna these millionaires needa finally make my “wheres that steak smell comin from” app. im in front of a bookstore, this aint it
[Brings a snowball to a work meeting and tosses it at boss] I’m not trying to disprove the theory of global warming I just don’t like you.
That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
*Computer crashes, I reboot it*
Computer: Windows was not shut down properly.
Me: Don’t put this on me, man.
Me: It’s late. Go to sleep.
Brain: K.
Me:
Brain:
Me: *kinda dozing off*
Brain: WHY WOULD HORSES EVEN TRY TO PUT AN EGG BACK TOGETHER?
DATE: Did you know a octopus can slip through any hole his beak can fit?
ME: …haha no.
[Later]
ME: *tearing apart my almost-finished octopus jail blueprints*
you should be able to pay $2 to ride the luggage carousel at the airport one full revolution. i believe this funding would solve all infrastructure woes in most major american cities. this also would create jobs
*putting wrinkle cream on my crow’s feet*
HOLD STILL, MR. VANDERBEAK!
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
If my reaction to seeing a spider is anything like the rest of yours, we are not going to fare well as a species when aliens invade
“LOLZ”? Really? Did you laugh so loud you fell asleep?
Husband: I love you.
Me: Bullshit name 2 of my albums.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Remember fellas, always take comfort in the fact that most hot girls are a fuckin pain in the arse
*strips buck naked*Buck: Give me back my clothes !
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
dentist: have you been flossing?
me: yes 🙂
dentist: your mouth?
me: no 🙁
I’m so white I once said “imma bounce” at a party and then hopped away like a bunny rabbit.
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
I think I could be a pretty good boxer as long as the other guy isn’t allowed to hit me.
It’s amazing how a simple act of kindness can change my bad mood into a suspicious bad mood.
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM