Got my inhaler mixed up with my psychedelic frog and went on one hell of a wheezy ride.
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“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
Where are you going?
“Ice fishing”
You know you can just buy ice at the store right?
“No I mean th…”
Or just freeze some water even…
Take this time to do something creative!
– learn to paint
– play some songs
– write that book
– no wait your book is too similar to the book I’m trying to write
– stop you’re a faster writer than me!
– universal is already inquiring about movie righys?!?
– it’s a trilogy?!?!?!
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
deer don’t deserve antlers. I would do so much cooler stuff with antlers than just “rub them against a tree sometimes”
All my life choices led me to this moment right here, and if that’s not an indictment of free will, I don’t know what is.
[leaving the inventor of the piñata’s funeral] good lord
please sir. my succotash. it’s suffering.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
That one tiger that got caught by his toe still hasn’t lived it down.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that
told my son how we used to wear basketball shorts under our jeans and he looked at me like i asked him the square root of something
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*
“Make a wish,” I say.
*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*
I’m 39 years old and I still have no idea what I would do if a kangaroo entered my bedroom in the middle of the night.
Good news! That lump I found in my breast turned out to be a Skittle.
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
ME: careful there is a bee on that tree lim
WIFE: limb has a b at the end
ME: i literally just said that diane
[wife putting groceries away]
“where’s the bread?”
i got mugged
“specifically for bread?”
[cuts to me feeding a duck i hide in the shed]
yes
[grandma’s house]
Little Red Riding Hood: Are you going to eat me?
Wolf: I just want my hoodie back.
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
*reading law book* oh no I think I’m in a common law marriage with Taco Bell
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Got a phone call and the caller ID said NYC Human. That sure narrows down the list of who it can be doesn’t it?
If you’re trying to lose weight but you’re starving, eat a banana. I’ve had 73 of them today
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October