Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
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Smart cars are a good idea until you die in a 5 mph parking lot collision
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
me: I want to travel to the victorian era & meet a real gentleman [takes time machine back to 1860 England]
man: 31? what are u my grandma?
Ever get up to tell your boss something and then decide to email it to him instead because it would look more like you’ve been doing something?
Bad day? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Unmotivated? Listen to 90s rap. Problem solved. Don’t like rap? Listen to 90s rap Problem solved
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
Auto correct is my worst enema.
Wookiees don’t smoke, they chewbacca.
[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.
Thanks for the reply to my tweet from 2013, champ. I’ll be sure to take your advice.
[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
Spent the last 10 minutes trying to kill a false eyelash on the pillow that high me didn’t take off last night
How many beer trucks can you “accidentally” run into before your insurance company becomes suspicious?
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
a fun game to play at the zoo is to walk hurriedly past a person and say “they’ve escaped. don’t run. just walk very fast.”
interviewer: please, sit down
me: thank you
interviewer: not on my lap
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
Ruin your teen’s day by singing the wrong words to their favorite song.
Ironically, I only know of one person with the name Common.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Well, my evening plans are ruined
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
Start every meeting with, “Let’s just agree to disagree.”
The reason the “Cars” movies have gained so much popularity is becuase the cars speak to one another. You don’t get that with real life cars
If I learned just one thing as a parent, it’s that by the 3rd kid they can be juggling samurai swords and hand grenades and you won’t care as long as they’re doing it quietly.
fast food drive thru cashier: were you the one with…… …. … lots of stuff?
me: yeah that’s me
Just told my kid her freckles are kisses from angels and she said freckles are actually clusters of concentrated melanin. THANKS NICK JR. 🙁