FYI, you don’t have to be a waiter in order to go in a restaurant and wander from table to table asking people, “How’s everything tasting”
You Might Also Like
My wife asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I winked at her.
She bought me eye drops.
Dude’s trunk just popped open in front of me on the expressway ramp. I instinctively looked to see if any of you were in there.
you: this is my avocado peeler, and this is my avocado masher, and this is my avocado slicer…
me: fork.
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
People are always weirded out when I take notes during episodes of Dexter.
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: Why is the fattest holiday character the one that goes down the chimney?
As a Dad, you always want your kids to be prepared for real life, that’s why trolling them is so vital.
*Time travels to the Garden of Eden*
Serpent: Eat the forbidden fruit
Me: WAIT
Adam and Eve: *Staring*
Me: You gotta wash it first
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
Why did the terrorist buy himself a new Porsche?
He was going through a midlife ISIS!!
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
If you laugh at a kid’s joke that kid will tell the exact same joke at slightly louder volumes 8,000 times in a row.
I can do 50-100 pushups depending on how many weeks you give me.
Finding Nemo 3:
Nemo’s mom isn’t dead.
Nemo’s dad kidnapped Nemo to avoid a custody dispute.
Nemo’s mom finds them.
It’s a revenge tale.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Dang you got a good deal on your tattoo and the squirrel’s so realistic. What? A portrait of your Mom? Dude I wish my Mom was a squirrel.
COMPUTER: Enter your password
ME: [types ‘posh_people’s_tea’]
COMPUTER: Your password is too weak
ME: [high fives computer]
You have one fire drill in the middle of the night and they never let you hear the end of it.
[first day as an undercover cop]
mobster: are you wearing a wire
guy in my earpiece: say no
me: they said to tell you no
*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
After the floors are mopped no one is allowed to walk on them again… Ever
~Women
I am not a good hugger. Tonight a friend hugged me and I dropped some crackers I was holding and just gently said “my crackers” while waiting for the hug to end
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with air horns that sound like Seth Rogan’s laugh.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
As a kid I didn’t understand why all soldiers didn’t just carry bazookas, the most powerful weapon
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.
Considering “Thank You” cards are a thing, I’m going to invent “No, thank YOU!” cards and people will send them back and forth forever.