@thetits

FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

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@BradBroaddus

I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.

@AndyAsAdjective

*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?

@RickAaron

I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.

@internetluke

[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man

@david8hughes

[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”

@murrman5

Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?
“No”
excellent.

@Rollinintheseat

The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.

@_Tempo11

I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.

@AmishSuperModel

Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.