FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
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I think we can all agree: It feels weird to say “The King of England” about a living person.
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
(Date)
ME: Watch this *ties cherry stem with tongue*
HER: *giggles*
1-UP WALLY: *places Rubik’s cube in mouth and pulls it out solved*
Wife: So, I really need you to help out this week, because I’m super busy at work.
Me: Mmm hmmm
Wife: Are you even listening to me?
Me: *thinking about opening a restaurant for cats* You need me to buy super glue and a wok. Got it.
My toddler and I went pretend grocery shopping. It was a pretend Whole Foods and now the little guy is pretend broke as shit.
Parenting Pro Tip: If a 5 year old says he needs a potty stop, or he’s going to take a dump in the minivan, he’s not making idle threats
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
bank website: you have one password attempt remaining before we kill your entire family
[coworker barging in my office] can I ask you something?
[me clicking off the santa tracker website in april] is it about how to knock jeff?
I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
Tried to sleep by reading a boring book and now it’s suddenly the most interesting book.
Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
9: Mom, why are all those girls standing on their tiptoes?
Me: Because they’re ballet dancers
9: Why didn’t they just get taller girls?
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
Bull: I want to show you my leather saddle
Cow: Can you not?
-50 Shades of Graze
WIFE: he never compromises
ME: look, Sean Bean is either pronounced Shawn Bonn or Seen Bean it can’t be both
THERAPIST: (nodding) he’s right
ah, yes. the elusive llamarshmallow.
Saturday
If you watch Intervention backwards, it’s about a person partying hard after an awful family reunion.
it’s so crazy how the abbreviation for pound is lb and everyone is like yeah sure ok
I can’t stop laughing at this
Just recorded my boss yelling at someone on the phone.
Guess who has a new ringtone.
Heyyyyyyyyyyyo lol 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣😏🥴🤦♂️🤷♂️
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
*robbing a bank with a chainsaw*
Me: GIVE ME ALL Y-
Teller: WHAT
M: GIVE ME THE MONEY
T: SIR YOU CAN’T HAVE THAT IN HERE
M: WHAT
POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
For the record when you are “freezing” I never need to feel your ice cold hands, I believe you