FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit

ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids

FRIEND: no it’s the best

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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.

Especially if you don’t know them.


*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*

Back again? Forget something?

-Um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?


I hired a pizza chef as my new golf coach. One way or another the dude is gonna fix my slice.


[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man


[alligator store]
Clerk: $1500. Thanks
Me: not gonna say bye to him?
Clerk: uh
Me: say it
Clerk: goodbye
Me: say “see you later alligator”


Remember that time you were reluctant to test my latest invention “amnesia pills” but did anyway?


The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.


I wonder if my dog gets embarrassed when I give him kisses in front of other dogs at the park.


Just refilled my Smartwater water bottle with regular dumb water…

So far, nobody can tell the difference.