I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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*CAN’T OPEN THE PICKLE JAR*
SHERLOCK: (suspiciously) Moriarty…
I call a spade a “spade.”
I also call a horse a “horse” and a pencil a “pencil.”
When it comes to calling things by their names, I am no one to be trifled with.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Finding Nemo 2? I swear, if that kid gets lost again Finding Nemo 3 better be where child services locks the dad up for extreme negligence.
Our neighborhood playground has been so dull lately oh wait a parent just got stuck in the tunnel slide yes!!
You never hear of Albert Einstein’s evil twin brother, Frank.
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go
[i bite into an apple and a swarm of bees comes flying out]
“this gives me an idea for a restaurant”
[date]
Him: So where are you from?
Me: According to my parents, I was born in a barn.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
On the way to school this morning:
5yo: “Mom, stop singing along to this song.”
Me: “What? Why can’t I sing?”
5yo: “Because if you keep singing like that, I won’t like this song anymore.”
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
I would describe most of my social interactions at parties as “when you turn on the kitchen faucet and the water hits a spoon in the sink”
All women are technically bodybuilders if they get pregnant
him: what did you do all day?
*steps aside to reveal 12 cats taped together*
Me: it’s a purrrramid!
please tell me this song is literally about cheesecake and nothing else
[ikea date]
him: let’s go check out the beds 😉
me: *mouthful of meatballs* they sell furniture here?
9yo: “Mom, I’m so nervous to go out in public…”
Me, mentally stretching as I prepare for a convo about gun violence, racism, stranger danger…
9yo: “I just keep thinking that a bird might think my hair is french fries and swoop and grab it.”
Have you ever felt like something was touching your face at night? Don’t you worry. It’s just a MOTH, DRINKING YOUR TEARS WHILE YOU SLEEP.
Just watched a woman outside of the UPS store yell at another woman, “GO TO HELL, MARGARET!” Margaret looked absolutely scandalized. As if this was the first time someone told Margaret to go to hell. As if.
Jake and the Cat Man:
One man solves crime, the other spends the entire show being startled by thunder.
me: how much is this cordless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
My wife is enjoying the attention I’ve been giving her lately & though painting a phone on her face is inconvenient, it’s saved our marriage
I stapled her tongue to the desk for humming Ke$ha all day and I really think the HR guy isn’t listening to my side of the story.
My husband likes a hot breakfast on Sunday, so I lit his cornflakes on fire.
How do you know you been on your phone too much?
Reading an actual physical book earlier I looked up to the top of the page to see the time!