Me: *making table side guacamole*
Priest: Please get off the altar
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you know that feeling, as a kid, you’re out shopping with your mom, and
shopkeeper, be like $1,200,
then mom, without shame, be like $17.so you jump to death from the check-out desk.
My husband asked if I know the attractive, young woman who jogs down our street every day around lunch and this is one way to lose an office with a view.
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
I don’t blame sharks. If someone walked into my house and started splashing around in my bath, I’d bite their leg off too.
I better fix the hinge on this cabinet door before Ryan Gosling comes over, takes his shirt off and builds my lady a house.
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
Vet: “I can see the head…
…here’s the neck…
…more neck…
…more neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…neck…
…still more neck…
…neck…
…it’s a giraffe!”
RSVP: ⚪️yes ⚪️no ⚫️yes now but then no later on
If your kid ever asks you something when you’re not listening, never just blindly reply with, “Sure.”
I’ve been cleaning blueberries off the ceiling for 20 minutes.
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
If a recipe does not call for cheese, I’m gonna assume they forgot it and add an entire large bag. Well 3/4 of bag cause I ate some of it.
girlfriend: we need to talk
me: ok what’s up
girlfriend: I’m pregnant
me: OH AND I SUPPOSE THAT’S MY FAULT TOO
I just learned that dentists can actually smell your fear.
I only wish that I weren’t learning this from the dentist who’s lurking outside my window
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
I’m only watching this show to see if anyone knocks over that poorly placed houseplant.
FORENSIC SCIENTIST: The killer is a Chimpanzee.
COP: How can you be sure?
GWEN STEFANI: *looking up from microscope* This shit is bananas.
Wife: Did you take out the trash?
Me, who is Steven Seagal and I just finished teaching some punks a lesson: Oh I took out the trash alright
Wife: The trash in the kitchen
Me: Oh that…no
I’m in trouble with the wife because I toss and turn so much she can’t lean the iPad against me while watching her show about a lady who murders her husband.
Therapist: ‘Strange. Weird. Odd.’
Me: ‘Am I paying for this?’
Scooby Doo taught me that if you smoke enough pot, your dog will talk and help you get snacks.
My spouse must be the most patient person in the world because he waits for me to come home from my 12-hour workday and cook and serve dinner every single day and only complains most days
Fun idea: Have a magician saw you in half at your funeral. Or not even a magician, just anybody with a big saw.
I thought reverse psychology was when you made your therapist cry
“That wasn’t chicken in the Chow Mein”
I’d make a great Fortune Cookie writer.
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
How the hell can people with kids ever sell anything ‘gently used’?
All my furniture looks like it was in a bar fight.
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
Ever since Crystal signed my yearbook in 4th grade, all of my summers have been rad and I haven’t changed, just like she asked.