@sofarrsogud

Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!

Wife: But we d..

*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores

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@capnwatsisname

Is Bowser a kind of turtle that has spikes, or is he in some kind of turtle youth movement that wear spikes and wristbands and harbor bad turtle attitudes

@TheWoodenslurpy

I’d like to meet a failed scientist, like I do writers.

“I science on the weekends and for free sometimes. I think of it more as a hobby.”

@StarWarsProblms

Han: *approaches Endor in a shuttle*

Imperial officer: What’s the password?

Han: It’s “password.”

Vader: We should really change that.

@Reverend_Scott

Saw a guy with a giant locust crawling on his back. So I did what any responsible adult would do, said nothing and stared until I got bored.

@champagngetaway

Ladies, when a creepy guy asks for your # and hands u his phone, text REDCROSS to 90999 so he’ll donate $10 to Disaster Relief.

@catstronomical

i am in another room with the door open and she has food and water, and yet, my cat is out in the hallway meowing like she’s wandering through a post-apocalyptic wasteland and is the sole survivor

@StymieBrewer

“It’s a bird! It’s a plane!” – my 3 year old niece, excited as hell over some basic shit.

@LurkAtHomeMom

Me: what should I do?

Dentist: stop eating sugar, drinking coffee and wine, cut back on stress..

Me: right but like realistically