Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
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[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
Me: I need to get my shit together
My shit: not today, girl, not today
[sex ed in middle school]
Teacher: “Today we are having sex ed”
Ed: hell yeah we are!
Teacher: “Education”
My coworkers sending dirty messages to other coworkers when I leave my computer unlocked is why I have trust issues.
… and dates.
i hate when you’re boiling an egg and it gets a crack in it and the egg’s ghost escapes. very scary and i don’t like it
Why am I like this?
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Once a year, I put 16 spiders in my husband’s mouth while he sleeps bc
-Let’s get this over with
-He can eat mine
-I really miss Fear Factor
Athena: Hey if someone were to hypothetically curse you and turn your hair into your greatest fear what would it be
Medusa: probably snakes I’ve always hated them
Athena: interesting
Medusa: why
Athena:
Medusa: *nervous sweating* Athena why would you ask me that
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
If my boyfriend really cared about me, he’d stop being imaginary…
When the store clerk says “I’ll leave this out for you” and sets it to the side, that’s code for “here, let me help you forget this.”
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
I wish Costco offered samples at the liquor and electronics department
i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
I mean, I had to pay a gym membership so technically they’re not really free weights.
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
Don’t hate me because I’m beautiful, hate me because I’m almost finished Christmas shopping.
9 out of 10 dentists agree: golf is a fantastic way to avoid raising your children.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
We really need to stop with the cute names for devastating storms. Winter Storm Voldemort would be taken much more seriously.
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!
If you wear a falconry glove to the park and frantically look around the sky everyone with a small dog will leave.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
Me washing my car
Neighbour: Hey what’s up? Washing your car?
Me: No, I’m watering it to see if it’ll grow into a bus.
Not willing to admit he made a wrong turn, Dad threw Tic Tacs out the car window to little kids watching the parade from the curb.
Me: I want a never ending spoon of Ben and Jerry’s
Genie: done
Ben Affleck and Jerry Garcia: why are we hugging this guy
Me: shhh
DENTIST: Been flossing?
ME: Yup
D: [reaches into my mouth & pulls out a copy of the NY Times dated 7/5/14] I put this in there last time
Me: *Yanks off tear away pants*
Guy at next urinal: holy shit