i like the idea of hauntings being a common yet minor inconvenience
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Princess: U alone?
Luigi: Ya. Mario lookin 4 u underwater.
P: lol. wut?
L: ya idk. meet up?
P: sure. go-karts
L: k i’ll bring bananas
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
“Dude! You rock!”
– stated excitedly“… You stone! You worse than senseless thing!”
– held back 93 times out of 100
No one prepared me for getting hotter with age, yet here I am handling it.
Anthropic principle: the universe must be as it is in order for us to perceive it
Anthropomorphic principle: look, I’m a talking principle!
Secretly hoping my ex will call or text one day, just so I can reply, ‘Who’s this?’
“Do you smoke the devil’s lettuce?”
Mom, why the h*ck would I smoke coleslaw
[at TED talk]
OMG that man is having a heart attack! Anyone here a doctor?
*entire crowd stands*
No a MEDICAL doctor
*entire crowd sits*
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
People criticise me for chasing squirrels in the park but I trust my dog
Coffee so strong I’m starting to believe I’m The Flash.
shoutout to everyone but my kids who both decided to do summer school killing all of my mornings forever
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds
[first date]
Him: *dips chip into salsa rather than scooping*
Me: *gets up and leaves*
(…comes back, grabs salsa bowl, leaves for real)
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
If anyone wants a tiger let me know. I bought one but he’s being a d-bag and won’t wear the matching sunglasses I bought us.
Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.
Look for the opportunities in life. Like when nobody’s looking and you can finally address that wedgie.
TSA agent: Ma’am you’re alarming in your abdomen.
Me, starving: You can hear that?!?
Them: …
Me: …
Them: It’s the drawstrings on your pants.
Me: They’re hungry too?!?
If she steals your hoodie she likes you, if she steals your car she’s a thief
Before I was married I had no idea I was sneezing wrong.
The Avengers greatest superpower is the ability to find a time they could all meet
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
fireworks, because firehasbillstopay
People don’t exchange taxidermy gifts as much anymore
My boss says I intimidate the other employees, so I just stared at him until he apologized
When he really likes something I’m eating or drinking my 3yo will say “let’s pretend it’s mine now!” which is just a really cute way to steal my shit.