Him: why do you overthink EVERYTHING?
Me: you said pick a hobby I picked that one
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I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I finally figured out why the neighbor’s house is always so clean:
My kids don’t live there.
A health scare but it’s just someone putting a salad in front of me.
I never go where I’m not wanted, unless you’re serving cake. If you’re serving cake I’ll be there either way.
GIRLFRIEND: I’m breaking up with you.
ME: Is it because in December I dress my pet pig in red and call it Hamta Claus?
HER: Yes. Yes it is.
I was in a debate and someone defended their position by saying, “Opinions can’t be wrong”
I said, “In my opinion, opinions CAN be wrong. Thus proving the existence of at least one wrong opinion.”
Imagine falling in love and getting married in space only to return to earth to find out what you each really look like with gravity.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Prescription drug commercial: the most common side effect is diarrhea
Me: ooo I love diarrhea
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
*releases frozen turkey back into the ocean
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
husband just asked what I’ll do with my spare time when we finally finish all the renovations to our house and I said I’m gonna build a scale model of redwall abbey in the garden for the field mice and I think he thought I was joking
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
They say it takes a village to raise a child, but they never tell me which village or how to reach them.
[mugger trying to snatch Elsa’s purse]
Elsa: HEY LET IT GO!
Mugger: OMG sing the rest
I accidentally squirted body spray in my mouth and now I speak with an Axe scent.
Netflix and explain what’s happening and who that guy is?
Me: I need to go to the doctor but my car won’t start.
Mechanic: Did you try jumping it?
Me: Of course, how did you think I broke my legs?
best thing about being a parent is having to convince my kids to drink water, like I’m on the goddamn marketing team for something they need for survival
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
[someone kicks a dumpster out of anger]
ME (from inside): Who is it?
When a couple pause their relationship & take a break from each other it’s called an ihatus.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.
tinder is all about the long game
On a scale of “glass half full” to “no plunger in your bathroom”, how optimistic are you?