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I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
So I said, “Why don’t you eat one of these fried cornbread balls,” and he said “hush puppie,” so I said, “You hush, you piece of shit,” and one thing led to another court date.
GF: just FYI, my dad teaches at the Naval Academy
[meeting her parents]
ME: [lifting up shirt] does my belly button look weird to you?
co-pilot: “ask in a way that won’t panic everyone”
pilot: “ok” [via intercom] “is there a fireman on the plane?”
Low fat tortilla chips and lite salsa?
That’s not what was meant by the words “skinny dipping.”
– Twitter Closing inactive accounts
– Google Closing Inactive accounts
– Internet Archive & Wayback Machine Under Attack
– Nintendo going after Emulators
I’m starting to see a pattern. Now would be the time to back up ANYTHING you have not secured locally.
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
Adding “scroll for two hours” to my To-Do list, so I won’t do it.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
Have a teen so when she’s five minutes late for Cross Country practice, it’s your fault for driving the “long way.” Nevermind practice started at 6:00, and she got into the car at 6:01. Those details are irrelevant.
Some of you need to review your settings or medication…
I’m not sure which but it’s definitely showing.
People always tell me to act my age so I bought expensive cheese.
95% of American office workers are watching the World Cup right now.
Overall productivity level remains steady.
Me: *on the TV show “House Hunters”* There’s a house. And there’s one. Ok there’s like 5 right next to each other.
2 found a calculator and is typing away very intensely on it
I call her name and I got a dirty look and a very nasty “Hold on!”, and back to typing
So I’ve decided to say her name 32 times, ask for juice 15 times, ask for 58 snacks, and have 3 meltdowns
I can’t be the only one 😂
me: where do I pay
doctor: on your way out
me: I don’t know if I want you at my funeral
[News anchor]
“Are things really that bad?”
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
Recent studies show that eating bacon or other red meats increases your chances of dying by 20%
So apparently I have a 120% chance of dying
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’m generally an honest person, but if you ask me when I last washed my hair, I will lie like a rug, a rug that hasn’t been shampooed in 6 days.
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
“Oh wow, I don’t even recognize myself!”
-Lois Lane getting fitted for glasses
I put a potato in the microwave and pushed the pizza button. But when the little bell rang, it was still a potato.
me: Why is Spider Man in the freezer?
7 year old: He knows why
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
Father, pardon, excuse, exonerate, absolve, acquit, forgive me, for I have synonymed.
*First day as a forest ranger*
Me: *using radio* I found a badly mangled buck out here
Boss: That means there’s a bear nearby
Me: Yep *narrows eyes* and it hates money