I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
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y’all, I lost my passport two years ago and have been using the same PDF scan as a substitute ever since.
this is where I found it today
“And to my son Ronald, I leave my entire collection of mint-condition, never-been-opened LinkedIn Updates emails.”
[In cubicle at work]
*pretends to start clipping my nails*
*tosses uncooked grains of rice onto co-workers desk with each clip*
CW: WTF!
I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
My safe word is Worcestershire
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
When children, who are hoping for your death so one of them can claim your throne, bring you brekkie in bed, don’t eat it. #FathersDay
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
I like to refer to my psychiatrist as a “serotonin artist.”
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
*At the bar
Me)Is this seat taken?
Woman)I have a boyfriend
Me)That’s OK, I’m 50. I just want to sit down
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Apparently waterboarding Tim from marketing is not considered an acceptable team building exercise.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
LOL
My brain: “safe place” or “safe spot”
My mouth: safe splot
So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Wife: you’re so damn forgetful!
M: oh nonsense!
W: ok, did you get the cat food?
M: WE HAVE A CAT??
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
I talk a lot of shit for someone who still uses their fingers to count.
I see your IQ test came back negative
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Just heard Justin Bieber vowed not to return to the UK after his disastrous tour here.
Well done the UK. Well done.