Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
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Whoever invented the boomerang had trouble letting go.
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I love when my friends start selling weight loss shakes because that’s one less person I ever have to talk to again.
I used to joke that this was a simulation until I became convinced the dude at the sketchy gas station near my house is an NPC. He says 3 total sentences and he’s there no matter what time of day I show up. I am no longer joking.
Kids be like “I owe you $5, would you like it all in quarters?”
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I want the free time of the guy who opts in for the after-call survey
Dad: *getting grill ready* I need some lighter fluid
Me: *ties a balloon to his drink*
Dad: *sniff* I’m so proud of you
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Father’s Day Fun:
1) Walk up to a complete stranger at lunch with his family.
2) Hug him.
3) Tell him ‘Happy Father’s Day dad’!
4) Run.
Five out of six people enjoy Russian Roulette.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
Me, in a job interview: My weaknesses? I’d have to say one would be serving customers. Dealing with people in general.
HR: This is a customer service position. It was in the ad title.
Me: Another weakness is attention to detail. But that’s really it.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
Cop: Why were you driving so fast in this rain?
Me: I thought no cops would want to get out in this rain.
I understand how batteries feel cause I’m rarely ever included in things either.
[Hardware store]
ME: I’ll take one of those giant forks.
WORKER: That’s a rake.
ME: I’m gonna eat so much spaghetti with that thing.
No one ever seems to break their legs when they drop from a portal in the sky.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
*date night*
Her: Why did you say you were a bad chef? These crunchy tacos look great!
Me: …omelettes 🙁
[first date]
Her: I want a man who’s not afraid to say what’s on his mind.
Me: What happened to your eyebrows?
Her: Not like that.
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
dreams are fun because I go to sleep a full-grown adult then spend 8 hours terrorized by my high school locker combination
Sam Skoronski
@SamSkoronski
Lovers of board games and card games are going to love my exciting new combo, cardboard games.
[Calls number written on my windshield with lipstick]
Hi, you left your number on my car. Who’s going to clean this?
I would throw more parties if they didn’t turn me into a hotel concierge. Always standing. Always waiting for someone to need me.
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
Me: it’s hot enough to fry an egg on the concrete
Public Health Inspector: temperature is not really the issue here