me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
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Me: Would you have a minute to speak about my lord and savior, nachos supreme?
Her: Sir, for the last time just tell me your order.
Just walked up to a white van in the parking lot and it literally sped away.
*Blindfolds myself
*Rage eats candy
Her: hey handsome, why don’t you give me your number…
Me: …because I still need it.
Daughter : “mom , will you do my math homework for me tonight?”
Me: “No, it wouldn’t be right.”
Daughter: “Well, just do your best.”
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
With these gas prices forget my kids, I’m about to buy myself a pony
I can’t make everyone happy, I’m not lasagna.
But I can cause heartburn like red sauce.
when people say I swear too much I’m like “well in my defense I read the news”
my brother: grandma’s funeral is going to be closed casket
me: oh no
my brother: are you sad you won’t be able to see her one last time
me: no, it’s because this was going to be my only chance to pry her blueberry pie recipe from her cold, dead hands
i’m gonna need grocery stores to start contributing to black friday sales this year. i don’t need another big screen bro. what i need is to be able to afford cheese again.
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
I fell down the stairs earlier but thank god my dogs were there to wag their tails and step on me
I’m tired of conventional beauty standards that say I can’t wear a ski mask in a bank
Marrying a person isn’t the only way to get someone to take your name, there’s also identity theft #MondayMotivation
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
Polite kitties have good etiquecat
I’ll complain about the government invading my privacy after I tell you where I am on Facebook and posting what I’m eating on Instagram.
If you wondered if I was on the naughty list this year, I should probably tell you that the best gift I got was a packing peanut.
Whenever Becky says anything in the breakroom, I just say, “well, that got racist pretty fast” and walk out. I hate you so much, Becky.
I haven’t had a cookie or a piece of Christmas candy in 24 hours. Is this a cleanse?
Me: so when will I actually receive the shark
Loan Shark: what
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
“if you had to pick only one musical group to strand on a desert island, which would be the most appropriate to do that to?”
“maroon 5”
“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior
shoutout to sookie stackhouse. she resisted eric northman for 3 seasons whereas i would have had my neck exposed, ready to be sucked like a capri sun as soon as he looked my way
How strict is the “I licked it, it’s mine” policy?
There’s some things I’ve licked that I don’t want.
2005 Single
2006 Single
2007 Single
2008 Single
2009 Single
2010 Single
2011 Single
2012 Single
2013 Single
2014 Single
2015 Single
2016 Single
2017 Single
2018 SingleReward me for consistency please
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.