OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.
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[world without bees]
Hamlet: to or not to
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
Murderer, trying to kill me: what are you doing
Me, very competitive: *holding my breath* beating you to it
Interviewer: what would you say has been your crowning achievement?
Me: you mean besides making it through the birth canal?
Interviewer: haha good one. How about after that?
Me: Yeah no, that’s about it
2yo: Mommy, the baby is being ridiculous!
Me: He is? How?
2yo: *exasperated* Because he won’t talk to me!!
Me:
Air Bud trembles in fear after the opposing team drapes a basketball jersey over a vacuum cleaner and puts it on their starting lineup.
Putting my Christmas decorations on the house across the street so I can, you know, see them.
[at the top of mt everest]
friend: i can’t believe we did it!
me: i know!
friend: what do you think of the view?
me: whoopi goldberg is amazing and the guest panelists they have always bring a fresh perspective but it should’ve stopped after season 15.
Red light : Stop
Yellow light : Proceed w/ caution
Green light : Wait till everyone hates you then go
I wish all tests were things you peed on
I am looking properly as I cross the road my child said as her face disappeared completely inside her hood each time she looked left and right.
When my girlfriend makes me angry, I look at her through the fork and pretend she’s in jail. It heals me spiritually
11-year-old: Can I join the swim team? You won’t have to do anything for it.
Me: Who’s going to get your to and from all the practices and meets and pay for everything?
11: Other than that.
he was a gator boy
she said catch you later boy
she was with animal control
My son cried yesterday because:
– he “doesn’t want to carry two things” (school bag and lunch bag)
– i pushed the button on the elevator and he wanted to do it
– his nanny said hello and he’s “too tired to greet”
– didn’t like the shirt he was wearing anymore
– wanted to write M
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m quite busy.
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
If I don’t clean my house soon, someone is going to bring in blindfolded ppl for a Frebreeze commercial.
there’s probably a fee though
[saying goodnight in French]
me: bon nuit
autocorrect: bone unit
america famously invented speed limits during the cold war, back when they didn’t trust anyone that was rushin’
The legends speak of a third Duran…
“Neighbor”- person next door
“Neigh! Brrrr!!” – cold horse 🙁
*at the vet*
me: my new cat won’t stop hissing
vet: ma’am this is a cockroach
me: oh crap. that pet store ripped me off
I’d like to say I have a yoga body, but it’s really more of a Yoda body.
Resist all the cheese, I can’t.
I hate being bipolar it’s awesome
I told my sandwich to “go make me a girlfriend”
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
The Bank of America app randomly disappeared off my phone and now I’m wondering how much money I spent last night.