me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
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Star Wars spoiler:
Leia is Han’s father
shiny bag: THESE CHIPS ARE UNHEALTHY
matte bag: THESE CHIPS ARE FROM A FARM AND GOD LOVES THEM
I’m really hungry, so I’m going to eat an apple and promote myself to starving.
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Peach cobbler so good you can’t even taste the cyanide.
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
Your fiancé gets kidnapped in a foreign country. You stay out till 2 am searching w authorities but eventually you have to call it and return to your hotel. Do you still do your skincare routine y/n
The cookie jar oinks when I open it, so don’t ever question my dedication to these hips.
“There’s a clown hanging over you.”
“You mean cloud.”
“I wish I did.”
“Dammit.”
spelling bee judge: your word is respect
me: can you use it in…a song
spelling bee judge: nice try
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
I sniffed my work shirt to see if it was too dirty. Unfortunately I work at a chloroform factory and woke up 6 hours late for my shift
Parents: Don’t put glass near your eyes.
Inventor of eyeglasses: Okay, I tried it and I’m sorry, but you’re not gonna believe this…
“I’m going to lay right here in the doorway and give people a dumb look as they trip over me.”- Damned dog…. Could’ve been me though.
You can tell which inmates were involved in organized crime because their cells are much neater than other prisoners’
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
it is now officially the weekend do not bother me unless you are Taylor swift
[GOD CREATING DUCKS]
Give that chicken a kazoo.
[watching christmas movie]
Me: who’s your favorite character?
Daughter: I like the grinch.
Me: but he’s the bad guy.
Daughter: maybe he stole Christmas only cause they wrote that really mean song about him first.
Me:
Daughter: maybe whoville had it coming.
I’m at my neighbor’s house having a delicious dinner. Hope I finish before they get home.
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
My friend returned a Tupperware container without the lid, so now I’m offering a reward for its safe return.
*pops kid’s balloon*
*kid cries and runs away*
*picks up kid’s cake*
Husband: wtf is wrong with you?
Me: his piece was bigger!!
If you don’t have plans tonight, head to a crowded restaurant, stand up during the meal, and say “She said yes!”. Free applause and dessert. You’re welcome.
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
If Batman gets to use a piece of Kryptonite against Superman, Superman should get to use a piece of Batman’s parents. Fair is fair.
BEEKEEPER: *opens up beehive and finds a peanut butter and jelly sandwich* If that’s here…
KID: *opens up lunchbox in school cafeteria*
My five-year plan? Well, I’d like to learn how to shuffle together a sandwich like you see in cartoons.
absolutely not
[interrogation]
Cop: what were you doing last nite?
Me: I was killin my neighbour, Bert
Cop: louder for the tape please
Me [leaning in]: I was filling in paperwork. I’m a busy guy