SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
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Decoding phrases used by employers when describing what they want:
“Believes in the company’s mission” = “willing to take less money.”
“Has great work ethic” = “willing to work longer hours.”
“Has a passion for this work” = “willing to take less money while working longer hours.”
584.
DID YOU KNOW: Petting dogs is a video game, and if u pet a dog perfectly enough, u will unlock the ability to go to a dog’s Birthday Party
*one day before marriage*
Parents: Don’t talk to the groom. Don’t see him. Don’t think.*one day after marriage*
Parents: BABIES, BABIESS!
i have one speed and it’s mosey
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
My mother’s gravy is so lumpy it’s having a biopsy.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Pro tip: when you’re on your way home, don’t answer your phone.
Someone wants you to stop at the store.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
Date: “You’re very tall! Do you play basketball?”
Me: “You’re very fat. Are you a sumo wrestler?”
I’m papering walls in the loo,
And quite frankly I haven’t a clue.
For the pattern’s all wrong,
Or the paper’s too long,
And I’m stuck to the toilet with glue.#ToiletPaperApocalypse #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes #Limerick
was driving on the freeway and this guy was speeding like a maniac, just weavin’ around, cutting everybody off like a damn nut. and then he exits the freeway at Zoo Drive! lmao this freak just trying to get to the zoo
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
I have a work dinner tomorrow night and a comedy awards night after. I don’t want the comedians to think I dressed up for them so I’m stuffing sweatpants in my handbag
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
Women are better than cake. You can have a woman and eat her too.
UPDATE: My wife’s resolution to yell at the kids less has just taken a very bad turn.
[after discovering wine] WHAT ELSE *hiccup* WHAT ELSE CAN WE DRINK AFTER IT GOES BAD
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
My kids love taking turns. For example, they take turns pushing down the garbage so neither one of them has to take it out.
Daughter: Daddy, why is the moon following us around?
Me: I probably owe it money like everyone else on the planet
I know there is something wrong with my car the old fashioned way. I smell it or hear it.
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
“Please let go of my hair”
-my gynaecologist
Me, dying from machete attack: Someone—
My kids: What?
Me: Call the geek squad—
K: No!
Me: I’ve been hacked!
K: *run off to thank my killer*