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If you’ve ever wondered what it’s like to try to dress a jelly fish, here, try to get pants on my toddler
*first date*
Brain: Quick say something intresting
Me: Lasagna is spaghetti flavored cake
Brain: Nice
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Mom asked about a stock she’s owned for 20yrs called Amazon & I’ve mostly been telling her I love her & reminding her my brother never calls
When can we start naming hurricanes after food items?
…and in recent news hurricane chicken and dumplings is forming near Bermuda
I imagine when you get to heaven they give you a box with all the sodas and snacks that vending machines cheated you out of your whole life.
Got charged with impersonating a police officer, which would’ve been a lot less embarrassing had I not been a serving police officer at the time.
Good News: Your kid will finally eat something green.
Bad News: It’s avocados, and now you have to take out a second mortgage.
You wish you had this many chins.
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
Cop: A ghost killed your family?
Guy: Yes!
Cop: Did u forward yesterday’s spooky chain email to 5 ppl?
Guy: No?
Cop: Well there you go.
A tired woman is a mean woman.
Don’t wake her up from a sound sleep because you can’t find the ketchup.
me: hips like a canadian goose
girl in club: is that good?
[first date]
me [im a goat]: u gonna eat that dress?
date [also a goat]: yes
Yet again, autocorrect leads me ashtray.
Bart Simpson is bad for this country of America
*gives you a knife
*points to the toaster
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
I feel like I’m living in my own horror movie. But it’s like a B movie that will never get much traction.
Revenge of the Fruity Pebbles. Yeah, direct to streaming at best.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
JIM MORRISON: people are strange, when you’re a stranger
PRODUCER: nice
JIM MORRISON: people are docks, when you’re a doctor
PRODUCER: what
JIM MORRISON: *wiggling fingers* people are ticks, when you’re a tickler
PRODUCER (lips on mic): uh, I think we’re good Jim
Medusa was the absolute worst when it came to objectifying people.
[Hunting Robots]
Me: You a robot?
Robot: Would a robot read this?
*shows me copy of Totally Not A Robot magazine*M: Hm. That checks out.
If two pieces of pizza share the same pepperoni that is one piece of pizza. Don’t let anybody tell you differently
SCIENTIST: I’ve written several books on how to cure cancer.
PUBLISHER: would you be willing to curate?
SCIENTIST: ideally, I’d like to cure them all.
[1st date]
HER: I’m really into PETA
ME: [trying to impress] I love dipping it in hummus
Child: Mum!
Dad: Oh come on it’s not that bad
Child: MUUUM!
Dad: (You little prick) Hey hun..
Just the best dancing sandwiches.
Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP
Me: I’m woke
Kids: How woke?
Me: We’re putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.