My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
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DOCTOR: to prevent germs from spreading you should sneeze into your elbow
T-REX: oh great
My upstairs neighbours at 6 am:
“AND NOW IT IS TIME FOR THE CEREMONIAL REARRANGING OF THE BOULDERS”
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Him: Everything happens for a reason
Me: Tomorrow is yesterday’s bosom
Him: What
Me: Oh, I thought we were doing a thing where we both say dumb shit
Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
[New Job Diary]
Day 1: They all seem very ni-SOMEONE TOOK MY LUNCH MY LUNCH IS GONE SOMEONE STOLE MY-oh wait nvm there it i-MY STAPLERS GONE
I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
Women! Can’t live with ’em, can’t sell ’em or Liam Neeson will find you and kill you.
Not sure what to say when asked about the bruise on my face, because the truth is I walked into the side mirror of my truck.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
What’s up r/relationships. So here’s the deal I gave my girlfriend the 2nd toothbrush in a 2 pack when she stayed over last night and she refuses to pay me $1.37 (half the price of the 2 pack ROUNDED DOWN). Should i key her car
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
So is Walmart a verb now?
As in, “I’m out of clean underwear, so I’m going to have to Walmart it today.”
COP: Nobody on the main floor. Let’s check upsta–
GIRAFFE COP: Nobody upstairs
Future Headline:
“Trump Caught On Tape Eating Newborn Babies,
Hillary Caught Using Friend’s Netflix Password
Undecideds Still On The Fence”
If you’re out shopping today be nice to retail workers … it’s not their fault you waited until Marys waters broke before you started your shopping
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
10: this game took forever to download! It took like almost 1 minute
me: *laughs in dial-up*
All I’m saying is nothing feels better than using a decorative towel.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
People who incessantly go on and on about replacing things that taste good with quinoa, please stop
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
[writing Jurassic Park 2]
Writer 1: alright first things first, palaeontologists OUT
Writer 2: but it’s a dinosaur movie-
Writer 1: -bUt iTs A dInOsAuR mOviE STFU. Hairy chest mathematician IN
Me: What should I do if someone breaks in while you’re at work?
Him: Give him a slice of that meatloaf you made last night, and I’ll bury him when I get home.
8yo: Daddy, I wrote a short story called Attack of the Killer Kittens.
me: oh wow ok…
8yo: Mommy is the superhero who makes all the kittens be good instead of evil.
me: nice, what about me?
8yo: you get eaten.
Me: Night love.
11: Did you know the snow in the Wizard of Oz was made of pure asbestos?