Every time my boyfriend and I break up, we get back together for half the length of our previous relationship. My friends say it’s unhealthy, but as a student of mathematics, I know it’s bound to end in a finite amount of time.
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Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
No self-respecting murderer is going to have the patience to stand there for the twenty or thirty hours it’ll take me to dig my own grave.
I just made homemade bread if anyone needs an extra brick for something.
Ken is short for chicken
Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
Sticker placement is key.
[dies and goes to hell]
Satan: oh, there seems to have been a big mistake
Me: oh thank god-
Satan: you should be in super hell
Me: oh no
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Some people can fast for a day or two and remain peaceful.
I go 3 hours without eating and I’m yelling at dust.
HR: Punching colleagues is wrong
Me: But he drank from my mug
HR: That doesn’t allow you to—
M: I’d just filled it with gin
HR: You know alcohol is not permitt—
M: —ger beer…
HR: *high fiving me* Nice save!
If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
The best way to infuriate a mom is to open a second box of something when there’s still a box of the same thing already open.
I abhor violence but I might get a smidge slappy for the last piece of lemon meringue pie.
PAC-MAN: *eating his third ghost* You know, these just aren’t filling.
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
Dream inside a dream
– inceptionInn inside an inn
– innceptionRe: Re:
– receptionRe: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re:
– email from your gran
what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
My mom has more confidence in discovering the truth about the JFK assassination than me finding another husband
I heard a mouse yesterday. So now I loudly announce myself whenever I enter a dark room. In case you’re wondering how brave I am
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
I’m always tonguing my cyanide tooth in case someone wants to tell me about their journey.
If you had asked me what the hardest part of battling a global pandemic would be I would have never guessed, “teaching elementary school math.”