what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
So instead of doing laundry I just spent 2 solid hours ranking my laundry baskets from favorite to least favorite.
*smuggles cake (containing saw) into escape room*
Him: This fish is too fishy.
Me: How’s your water? Too wet?
To everyone out there suffering from anxiety: you are not alone there’s someone behind you
someone: *obvious flirt*
me, oblivious fool: aw they are so nice
also me, five years later, waking up in cold sweat at 3 am: WAIT A MINUTE
The only thing keeping most of you from having a great dating life is…
Your spouse 🤷
My favorite part of going on vacation is cleaning the entire house first so that my best friend that’s watching my cats doesn’t see how much of a slob she already knows I am.
My kid told me whenever I don’t wear makeup everyone thinks I look tired. So now we’re playing a fun game of going through the church photo directory to find out exactly who said that about mommy
Hitchhikers have really ruined things for those of us who just want to stand at the side of the road and express our approval for automobiles and those who travel in them.
This is Manny. Every single time he chews on his ball, it goes flying out of his mouth. And every single time, he is surprised. 13/10
You can’t boss me around. You’re not my bladder.
Me: *does activity with the kids*
Kids: mummy this is so boring can we watch tvHusband: *does same activity with the kids the next day*
Kids: THIS IS THE MOST FUN WE’VE EVER HAD IN OUR WHOLE LIVES
Every Coronavirus post on Facebook should just start with, “First off, I have no idea what i’m talking about.”
“GO TO YOUR ROOM AND STAY THERE”
KID: *goes kicking and screaming*
TEEN: You can’t do this, I have plans tonight
ADULT: Thank you so much
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
Kate who dumped me at junior school now wants me to like her interior decorating Facebook page.
How the tables have turned Kate.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
My husband ran 13 miles this morning for fun. I had cookies for breakfast. It’s nice to be the sane one for a change.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
“Some people say things like ‘you can’t get blood from a stone’, or ‘vegetables shouldn’t scream when you eat them’. Well *chuckles* we here at Monsanto laboratories have spat in the face of God once again….”
Will I. Am’s headstone will read “Will I. Was,” completing history’s longest set-up to a punchline
To whoever has my old phone number: I truly hope you’re enjoying those texts from that guy I met at that thing
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
cashier: would you like a receipt?
me: . o O (if someone is being murdered right now it would be my alibi but if someone gets murdered in the store they could pin it on me)
cashier: well?
me: I want to talk to a lawyer
Netflix and scroll through the selections until it’s too late to start watching anything.
Having no clue about human anatomy is my Achilles Elbow.
This is actually what my executive dysfunction looks like
I grilled a chicken for two hours.
It still wouldn’t tell me why it crossed the road…
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared