what’s a good synonym for “experienced” to use in an overview summary on a resume? i tried “jaded” and apparently that’s not what employers are looking for
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Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
What the hell was that?” my dog angrily demanded as we left the vet’s office.
“What?” I asked.
“That thing you did with the guy.”
“What, shaking his hand?”
“Yes shaking his hand. I thought that was our thing.”
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Craft beer drinkers when someone hands them a pint of actual motor oil
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The fastest way to get your kids to shut up is to ask them a question you want answered.
ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft
[1st night of a boyfriend sleeping over]
Me: I sleep with a sound machine, that ok?
Him: ya that’s fine!
*I reach over & hit a button. The part in Hey Ya where he repeats “alright alright alright alright” starts to play on a loop*
Me *snuggles covers up to chin*: night babe
I got mood poisoning. Must have been something I hate.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
I’d make a horrible movie murder victim.When I hear strange noises in the night I roll over and figure, eh, they’ll work themselves out.
Hit 1,000 followers and a 100 star tweet on the same day! Do you know what that means?!
900 of you don’t read my shit.
Shutdown Apocalypse Update: Talked to someone today about remaining human when society crumbles. Was told to “please pull up to the window.”
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.
i unknowingly took my toddler to the museum with a shirt pocket full of scrambled eggs
You don’t hear about kids eating Tide pods anymore because they all got clean
My home security system is just a copy of my paycheck taped to my front door.
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
I need 52 continuous 7 day weekends
witch: what do u need?
me: a spell to make my dad proud
dad: *rips off witch mask* always looking for a shortcut unbelievable
By substituting your morning coffee with green tea, you can reduce up to 94% of what little joy you had left.
How many times do you have to click “I accept cookies” before they send you the cookies?
Teens be like, “This is the worst day of my life” and it’s just they were told to unload the dishwasher.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Say it again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: Again.
Wife: You were right.
Me: One more time.
Wife: You wer-*wakes up*
Parents, we noticed you successfully avoiding the candy and toy aisles, so we brought the candy and toys to your checkout lanes.
-stores
They should make statues of regular people. Like you’re walking through the park and there’s a statue of your friend Jeff
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
My daughter just told me I’m giving her gray hairs and ran for her stress ball so I think I’m finally nailing this whole parenting thing.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did
MOM: Where’s your father?