@danoverhere

-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

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@Kobbejaeger

It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.

@samalmightysam

If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?

@Gorrdano

Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.

@ShawnGarrett

Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.

@noog

Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.

@kelkulus

They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.

@nicfit75

Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.

@mommajessiec

Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.

@AlanFelyk

In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.