Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
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Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™
Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”
No, you hang up first.
Me to Pizza Hut
Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.