-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

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Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.

Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.


Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.

I’ve got this.

*grabs a hammer*


Just got asked to promote something on my Twitter. I laughed. My followers would hate that! I was so mad I had to cool down with a Pepsi™


Hundreds of years ago, a group of fat women secretly met under the cover of darkness. That night, they invented the word “voluptuous.”


Now that I’ve removed my windshield wipers I shouldn’t be getting anymore parking tickets.


bumping into a hot professor in the hallway and dropping my folder full of printed out pictures of the Green M&M


Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.


The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.

I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.