-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”

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It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.


If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?


Just posted missing flyers of my cheeseburger all around the neighborhood. So far, no cheeseburger. It’s as if people don’t even care.


Perfecting my gay-nar. It’s an underwater homosexual detector.


Curiosity should start overthrowing the local government and drilling for oil any minute now.


They should remake The Ring; instead of a tape, the creepy little girl uploads her video to YouTube and wipes out pretty much everybody.


Considering “natural” childbirth?

You wouldn’t have a tooth pulled without painkillers, right? This is an 8lb tooth. From your crotch.


Dinner is a great time for my family to come together to tell each other exactly what is wrong with the meal I made.


In the movies, when the bad guy takes someone out to forest at gunpoint and tells them to dig, WHY do all the victims-to-be dig?

I say let ‘em shoot you, and they can dig the damn hole themselves.