-Boss: “Send me one of your funny tweets”
-Me: “I’m working at the moment, I’ll send you one later”
-Boss: “Hahaha! Send me another one.”
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my dodgeball record is now up to 65-0 against my 5 and 6 year old.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Friend: You’re Catholic?
Me: Yes
F: And you eat meat on Fridays?
M: I can guarantee if I’m going to hell it’s not for eating meat on Fridays
“asparagai” is what i call multiple asparagus, but don’t take my word for it. get your own word for multiple asparagus
I’m staying in an Airbnb and an ice cream truck has just gone through the neighborhood for the fourth time today. I should pack and leave, right?
Me: I love eating nerds
Boy: (brings me Nerds candy)
Me: no, not that kind.
Jehovah’s witnesses are at my door.
*Lights black candles, dons flowing dress, opens door, and says seductively, “Are you the keymaster?”*
My daughter is stoked about starting a new school this year so she can meet new friends like “Bobby, Brenda or Lisa” and I’m excited, too, because I didn’t realize we were sending her to 4th grade in 1965.
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
Boss: I’m sorry but you’re fired
Me: But I’ve poured my blood, sweat, & tears into my work!
Boss: Exactly. Cupcake sales are down 75%
Practice makes perfect, unless you suck.
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
Dog Park
Kid: What’s his name?
Me: Dorito. He’s a therapy taco. Don’t pet him.
Kid:*Throws Ball*
Taco:*Chases it. Lettuce flies everywhere*
Me: Send me pics
Girl: What you wanna see 😉
Me: Spiderman
Girl: What ?
Me:
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
I was told you have to wait an hour after you finish eating to swim. I didn’t know there was such a thing as an hour after you finish eating
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Piers Morgan. RT @DavidPressman: Anyone else nude and crying?
Me: *puts mistletoe over our heads* oooh you know what this means
Dementor: what the hell
*gets followed*
Me: thanks for following me! Now I’m going to like 467 of your tweets
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
me: *filling my plate with a heaping pile of mashed potatoes*
brain: THIS IS PORTION CONTROL PUT THE SERVING SPOON DOWN WE REPEAT PUT TH
me: *goes radio silent*
asked my 5-year-old what she wanted for dinner and she said “not a burned quesadilla” bc in the summer of 2019 I overcooked one side of her quesadilla
YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
My husband is with me every step of the way, in life, in love, in faith, in front of the kitchen drawer I need to get to
5yo discovered superglue when I wasnt looking. His theory is that is fixes everything, including ripped pages in books.
Ways to get ants out of your house:
1) Ant traps
2) Say you had a good time but it’s late & you have work tomorrow
3) Set house on fire
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
student loan “forgiveness?” so you admit. student loans are a sin.