“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
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A dating app where they just match you up with somebody with an identical credit score is yours
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
I was playing doctor with my kid and she prescribed me a potato
My neighbor called my dog fat the other day. Took me two hours to convince my dog that he just had thick fur.
Running shoes? No, I don’t run. These are my cake gettin’ shoes.
My mom told me I needed to learn how to relax more so I dropped my kids at her house.
I need better friends
Never doubt a Woman with an extensive vocabulary.
me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
Airlines: $35 to put your bag on our plane
Airlines: $16 for bag of chips
Airlines: Sorry you want your *legs* to fit? $75
Airlines: haha, you have to fork over an extra $50 to choose the seat you already paid for
Airlines:
Airlines: Oh no someone help us we r out of monies
Had a date planned for tonight but he got electrocuted at work.
I’m serious
The things men do to avoid hanging out with me is amazing.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
“Hey, smell this.”
-Me, about to chloroform my feral kids before bedtime.
“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
<at first day of t-ball practice>
Me:What’s the first rule here, boys?
Kid:Don’t poop your pants?
M:I was gonna say “have fun” but…OK.
I get Bi with a little help from my friends.
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
Remember, if someone doesn’t like the same style of peanut butter as you, it’s a personal attack
Dog; Why do you put my treats so high up?
Me: Because if I didn’t, you’d be able to get them
Dog: Hey, I’m just trying to save you the hassle. Excuse me for caring.
Driver: My God… that weasel…
Onlooker: He just went… “pop”…
Weasel’s family: *sobbing*
Ice-cream man: I’ve got an idea for a song y’all.
Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Some people like to stir the pot…
…I prefer to smoke it.
We found out today how many people it takes to hold me down for a flu shot.
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
It’s wet right there and I don’t know why
– a one sentence horror story
If you watch Wall-E backwards its about a little robot that would rather live alone forever than deal with fat people.
“Of course the water feels harder at higher speeds. The molecules have to separate.”
[You wish the chemist to whom you are married watched the Olympic diving trials just for the pretty girls. But when do you ever get what you want?]
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence