“The old lady I see in the park every day has had her house raided.”
“Sniffer dogs?”
“No, I usually just say good morning to her”.
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If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
Just started a new diet where I order Wendy’s salad and then eat all my kids’ fries.
When I tell my dental hygienist that I floss regularly, I’m lying through my teeth.
*the priest stops mid-sermon, takes off his glasses & rubs his eyes. his voice takes on a tone of resignation*
which one of you keeps prank calling me at three in the morning?
when you gotta take the souls of the damned to the underworld, but need to reduce your carbon footprint
[1st day as judge]
Murderer: [waves at me]
Me [waves back]: He seems nice
Lawyer: He killed six people
Me: He probably didn’t mean it
angel 1: what are these?
angel 2: strawberries
angel 1: you forgot the seeds!
angel 2: oh shit, he’s coming whadda we do?
angel 1: quick, stick ’em on the outside
god: *passing by* ooh nice
It’s extremely difficult to search my tweets when I constantcessantly make up nonsensicalistic words and greatastic werges.
They call it Windows 10 cause it takes 10 hours to do a update
Whenever I start to feel old, I just remind myself I’m still young enough to play a teenager on Beverly Hills 90210.
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
[Breakfast]
My Wife: What are you doing?
Me: *spreading toothpaste on toast* Multitasking.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Next time I’m at a restaurant, I’m going to do what my cat does and yell until someone covers the empty parts of my plate with more food.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
shark tank judge: nobody is going to want to buy your ghost pants
me: just wait, this time next year, boo khakis are gonna be everywhere!
[job interview]
“So we’ll call you & let you know. Do you have any questions?”
Yes, can you text me instead to let me know?
drive-thru worker: would you like to make that large?
me: haha no thanks i need you to make it
He died doing what he loved,
sleeping with one leg outside of the sheets.
My psychiatrist and I had a major breakthrough.
Now he can hear the voices too.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
I need to hire someone to follow me around and abruptly drag a needle across a record every time that I enter a room.
Digital security in Ancient Troy
Apparently introducing your puppet as your lover to people is frowned upon.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
we’re a divided nation, conflicting on class, ideology, creed, and yet there is one thing we can come all together on, no matter what: younger brothers play Luigi
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..