me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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Almost 10,000 tweets, guess who’s not Employee of the Month.
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
Two princes?
I’ll take the one that wants to buy me rockets.
How to sleep:
1. Lay down
2. Dim lights
3. Dwell about literally every mistake you’ve made in your life for 6 hours
4. Rest for 9 minutes
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
They say swans mate for life but I bet if I gave a swan enough tequila I could totally get it to cheat.
My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
Here’s my plan. I infiltrate a therapist networking group on Facebook. I ask questions about “my client” to gather their advice. There is no client. It’s me in a cheap wig. I get free therapy from 468 professionals. I fix myself. Then I start a podcast.
I wonder how smart I’d be if my brain were as good at remembering anything as it is at remembering every humiliating thing I’ve ever done
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Humans will not be fully evolved until everyone achieves the ability to maintain a constant speed while driving.
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
Wife: I’m trying to decide between tacos or pasta for dinner. What are your thoughts?
Me: They’re, like, little voices that say things in my head.
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
wife: That guy is texting and driving! That is so dangerous!
me [holding a donut in each hand and steering with my knee]: So dangerous
[Office Supply Store]
Me: *getting toner*
Clerk: Sir, please stop those jumping jacks.
All I’m saying is anyone who thinks it’s a great idea to buy a black car with black leather seats, needs to make sure they test drive it on a 104° day.
How do you explain this gap in your resume?
“I was in jail.”
Okay. Sure you weren’t working for Trump’s campaign?
“Swear to God. Jail.”
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
“Sorbet” is a French word that means, “I wish it was ice cream.”
Got down on my knees and clenched the panties with my teeth, gently pulling them to her toes.
Not allowed near mannequins anymore
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
You never see a church with free wifi. I guess because no church wants to compete with an invisible power that actually works.
I wonder what song the Little Mermaid was singing when she viciously ripped a clam in half to make a bikini top?
Wife: u can take Max to the park but ur not gonna wrestle other ppls dogs
Me in a spandex singlet: Im 16-0 Karen I have a title to uphold
Spiders and snakes are vital parts of the eek!osystem.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
[caught sneaking spaghetti into a movie theater] It’s OK, I have a medical marinara card.
Quick observation about the passage of time.
I’m 44. Born in 1980.
1985 to 1995 didn’t feel that different.
1995 to 2005 didn’t feel that different.
2005 to 2015 didn’t feel that different.
2015 to 2024 feels like a different universe.