me: could you fill out an employee satisfaction survey about how well I performed today?
woman holding urn full of ashes:
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Your house doesn’t have to be fancy like Graceland or Monticello for it to have a name. I named mine Fred
I told a server I’m going to New York this weekend, so when I left he said “have a good time in New York!” and I said “you too!” so long story short, he’s coming to New York with me.
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
LASAGNA IS ONE OF THE WORST SPELLED WORDS THAT SHIT IS ABSOLUTELY PREPOSTEROUS, SHOULD BE LASONYA BUT UR ALL SCARED TO TALK ABOUT IT, SCARED OF WHAT COULD HAPPEN
Friend 1: I do P90x to stay in shape
Friend 2: I just started crossfit
Me: Pssh, I just kiss my kids when they have a stomach bug.
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
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Funny women are smart. Be careful.
My wife insists on buying our daughter the expensive, growth hormone free milk. So there goes any chance she’ll ever have of being an X-Men.
Acceptance truly begins when you ask Alexa to play classic rock and she plays a song that came out when you were in high school
It’s 11:48 PM. You can’t sleep. Underneath your bed, there’s a creepy rustle, as the clown tries to quietly unwrap and eat a granola bar.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
I feel both proud and ashamed when I see an eating challenge that looks like my average meal.
*guy getting eaten by a shark*
Guy: I just wanted to say I’m Vegan.
Shark, spitting him out: Wtf man. I had you in my mouth & everything.
Got to the airport and paid $30 for a coffee and breakfast burrito the size of a Smurf.
My muffin top has become a full blown birthday cake.
Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
TV shows project an unrealistic image, like catching a criminal in an hour or that people don’t spend most of the day in pyjamas drinking wine.
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
dumbshit neighbor: is that your dog running around your backyard?
me: no, that’s a fence
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
The Magician told me to “Pick a card!! Any card!!”
So I took his Visa
HEATH: I’m more “Heath” than you’ll ever be!
HEATHER: You wanna bet?
Real life: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital one to two days after giving birth
TV shows: Woman has a baby and leaves the hospital 30 seconds after giving birth
People who live in glass houses should wear fish costumes.
Her: Have you seen the salsa?
Me: Yes. I must have left it in the bathroom
Her:
told my girl I was going to a wine tasting, now she’s coming and I was just gonna eat a dead bird and some expired cat food behind a Costco
Can’t party the way I used to. Two rounds of Pin the Tail on the Donkey and I’m spent.