Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs
You Might Also Like
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
It’s called a “sports car” because getting out of one after 40 is a physical event.
Friend: I like your blush
Me: Thanks, it’s called Panic Attack
The pen is writier than the sword.
[1st night w/Russian bride]
“take yr panties off”
[smaller panties underneath]
“them too”
[even smaller panties underneath]
“damnit…”
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
New hobby: Swap text for sponsored ads
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
Win every disagreement by saying ” I know. I’m from the future.” Because they can argue with you, but not science.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
May I borrow a cup of sleep?
“Regardless of what Newton said, gravity is just a theory that you humans choose to accept as fact. If you simply refuse to take it as a given, then the whole paradigm shifts. Anyway Brenda, when you’ve got a minute, the litter in my box could really use a change.”
‘No you can’t have cake! Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. Here, eat this fried flour with butter and maple syrup.’ -Moms
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
went to kiss a girl last night and her eyes rolled back and her head floated off her shoulders body burst into flames i am a bad kisser
me: do you have a blowup mattress?
host: it’s explosive but it hasn’t blown up yet.
me: hahaha
host: hahaha
me: (nervous sweating)
No Himalayan cow hoof for me please. I’m yak toes intolerant.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
Q: Which US President has the most trouble keeping his eyes open?
A: Abe Blinkin’
Come on down to Professor Cookie’s Very Good Joke Store where you can find very good jokes like this one.
If she can do anything why is there no Money Laundering Barbie?
God: “At least I didn’t get FAT.”
Buddha: “At least I didn’t get CRUCIFIED.”
5yo: if superman & batman had a big fight, superman could throw him into space where he’d suffocate’. I’m raising a problem solver you guys.
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
Amazon thinks my recent humidifier purchase was merely the inaugural move in a newfound hobby of humidifier collecting.
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Remember guys, it costs zero dollars to be annoying to strangers on the internet.
[before humans were invented]
animals: this is nice
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
writer: it’s based on a book
movie producer: ok
writer: about a boy who lived
producer: *yawns* boring. all boys live. can u leave
writer: *starts walking* ok but there’s a grumpy wizard hat
producer: wait