@donsengstack

Jurassic Park 7: Nothing goes wrong and everyone just genuinely enjoys the company of the dinosaurs

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@PoodleSnarf

Wife: What is this?

Me: The grocery list

W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”

Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way

@ItsAndyRyan

Bae: Are you coming over?
Me: Yes, I’m coming over.
– Me and Bae having CB Radio sex

@lynyrdsbackyard

You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.

@ohheyitskel

what do we want???

CHEESECAKE

when do we want it???

PEOPLE VERY RARELY SAY THEY WANT SOMETHING THAT THEY DON’T WANT IMMEDIATELY

@PwrFulWmn

Facetious. Because I like to use all vowels, in order.

@AmericanGent69

Reasons I work out.
1) I don’t wanna be bit by a vampire and spend eternity out of shape and double chinned.
2) I guess to be healthy

@SweatyGardener

Bryan Adams: 🎵 Can’t stop this thing we starrrrted 🎵

Guy in next urinal: Dude, please.

@BlindChow

COP: do you know why I pulled you over?

ME: *furiously trying to swallow a mouthful of mattress tag stickers* no

@RodLacroix

I’m not sure I like progress.

I asked my youngest for her Christmas list and she held up her phone and said, “Just scan this QR code.”